The Gift

The girl was intent on reading.

"So, why do you read only English books?" I asked.

She was lost for a moment. And she looked into nothingness, like many other times.

"So, why do you read only English books?" I repeated myself.

The nothingness drifted out, but lingered around somewhat.

"I like English books, just as.. I like to watch television." She answered. Or at least she thought she knew the answer.

"Oh. And why so?"

She frowned and thought deeply, very deeply.

"I like to watch television."

"Why?" I was curious, very curious.

"Other people like to watch television," She struggled.

"That's not proper."

She hesitated, then looked around.

"I.. I'm not sure."

"Alright."

Again there was none else in the room. I wasn't. All things were never past nor present. They were here, there, nowhere. Her mind was wandering through a...wall.

"Alright then." I said louder, in attempt to reaffirm my being. I'd certainly prove that I was more worthy than a mere wall. I mean, it was just a wall.

"Would you like me to give you your own reasons for liking to watch television?" I offered.

"Of course!" This time she made eye contact.

She would like to watch television because it was entertaining, I propounded.

"Okay. Yes, now I feel that it is entertaining."

I astutely took my chance at incentives.

"Would you like some sweets?" A little too cliche?

"No."

"Why?"

She won't eat sweets till the 26th of August, but she could eat sweets forever after that.

"That's fine. I'll save them till then."

And once again, I was one who wasn't, an apparition who may or may not have nudged the folds of reality.

Shaking embers

Winds; frantic tatters
Racking crimson pieces
Tearing naught but ceases
Ribs and heart; clawing chasms

Skies; dragon fire
Fortress scorched to ashes
Singed putrid fleshes
Screeches to heaven sing

Ancients, silent sages
Festering hearts of worms
Flashing shadows, beasts of storms
Heaven's exalted rages

Fetid, fallen faithful
Fiery winged wrath
Heathen's foul aftermath
Shreds of gnawed saints

The labyrinth is nigh

Do you desert me, venerable Strength? 

I bear reverence still, Ancient of Days

I am rallying the last sinew-

Expedite my deliverance! 

Convolution confounds-  

I negotiate its contortions,

The labyrinth is nigh,

I am wrung dry battling

I weep the nights,

Whisper on my knees; That

The words lose their meaning,

The yoke weighs heavy

In the dark I grapple; a foe,

Through his thrashing heart plunge the fiery cross

I writhe amid the crackle of blinding heat

I; of the heart in throes

The Tragedy of Desire

The world swamps to know me in my light

Flees from my darkness

Through them both You walk beside me, oh God

You alone remain; always

But I am tempted by beauty

I am tested and I stumble blind

I fall like a rock to the bottom of the ocean

Where is the fortitude I boast of?

I urgently call to You, Father!

Give me the strength to extricate myself 

Grant me the wisdom to seek You first and the world after

That I may not stray from the teachings of my youth

In my weakness Your grace never left me

Your love for me - a mere blip in the scheme of things

Transcends infinity

Yet resembles the simplicity of a child's

Can I truly declare You as my one desire?

How differently my soul professes!

Give me resilience in the battle of my mind

In the stillness of my soul, console me

If tomorrow never comes - Norma Cornett Marek

If I knew it would be the last time that I'd see you fall asleep,
I would tuck you in more tightly, and pray the Lord your soul to keep.
If I knew it would be the last time that I'd see you walk out the door,
I would give you a hug and kiss, and call you back for just one more.

If I knew it would be the last time I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,
I would tape each word and action, and play them back throughout my days
If I knew it would be the last time, I would spare an extra minute or two,
To stop and say "I love you," instead of assuming you know I do.

So just in case tomorrow never comes, and today is all I get,
I'd like to say how much I love you, and I hope we never will forget.
Tomorrow is not promised to anyone, young or old alike,
And today may be the last chance you get to hold your loved one tight.

So if you're waiting for tomorrow, why not do it today?
For if tomorrow never comes, you'll surely regret the day
That you didn't take that extra time for a smile, a hug, or a kiss,
And you were too busy to grant someone, what turned out to be their one last wish.

So hold your loved ones close today, and whisper in their ear,
That you love them very much, and you'll always hold them dear.
Take time to say "I'm sorry," "Please forgive me," "thank you" or "it's okay".
And if tomorrow never comes, you'll have no regrets about today.

-

I recently met someone who has a whole lot in common with me, where a slight inclination to poetry is one of them. It's not everyday that I meet people with the slightest bit of common ground with me and this is indeed a novelty.

2013: Year of Refinement

2013 just reeks of trial. Swarmed left, right, and centre. That's old news, I knew what I was getting into since the start. But I've not been truly facing them. In my prayers I have mostly been asking for certain things to be 'taken away' instead of praying for wisdom/strength to overcome them. I guess it's a cue that God will definitely not take them away until I've learnt this lesson. It just shows how much change is needed to my attitude, and I should expect even greater trials sent my way.

Solitude

I am one of the most blessed people on earth to have such great friends/family around. Not many have fostered close friendships since childhood, or being in countless situations where opportunities for forging such friendships abound. I was also brought up to care for the people around me. With the distance, it seems normal to feel homesick sometimes or loneliness due to a very community oriented upbringing. But, as I've recently share with dearest faithnoodles, this environment seemed to have influenced me to base my happiness on the presence and welfare of other people. I’m sure it isn't really a bad thing. But joy and happiness should be derived from God alone. I recently dealt with a breakup (still dealing with it), and this has caused me to rethink my position on quite a few things.

Among them is whether one truly ‘needs’ a partner. Compared to my web of logical explanation, Elaine said the same thing rather concisely: your other half complements you; but they do not complete you. I firmly believe that ideally we do not need anyone by our side. I am complete as I am in God. He already made me a standalone complete package; why should I ‘need’ someone? I may need God desperately, but that’s about all I should need. So, until one truly grasps that, one is not ready for a relationship. What I want this year is to find peace in solitude. The origin of naming this blog actually reflects that. To enter God’s sanctuary, you find a quiet place and whisper.  

Resolutions

Building from there, and the chapter by chapter posts, I actually do have some resolutions. Quite late but it’s okay. You spend more time sharpening your axe than hacking at the tree.

I will find the strength of solitude.

I will take a course of action rather than mull over the decision/decision making too long. I tend to plan and strategize a lot, but in 2013 I will take a swifter course of action rather than strategize the microns of a situation (which can never really be controlled anyway).

I will stop treating errands as burdens. They are necessary, rote tasks that allow interval time. They are a great way to expand my attention and extricate myself for a while.  

I will negate the delay in between actions. It’s not enough to take action, but to cut down on the time in between actions. In badminton, you don’t just time you shots and your footwork correctly, but you move immediately after you take a shot/decide it's not yours to take (doubles). This doesn't mean there won’t be recreational breathing space. With more efficient action taking it could well mean a ton more buffer time.

A day in 2013 has 86400 seconds.

Shiny Clouds

Be free little bird

I'm letting you go; I love you so

It shatters me, I know it shatters you 

But your sun must shine again

How I am in tatters trying to uncoil myself 

You, in every crevice of memory most sweet

But how can I keep you yet love you

How can I free you yet love again

Could sorrow be described in childish song; foolish poetry

In this scribbling of the boy with ideals

Shrouded now in prejudice 

of what the world ascribes to being a man

That which he stood against

Defiant to what is harsh and real

For the naivety of all things unconditional and lofty

How he succumbed 

May the powers that be watch over you and he now

Both were true as shiny clouds floating by

But the blue skies over the rainbow where they truly belong

Are not the blue skies this world feigns