2013: Year of Refinement

2013 just reeks of trial. Swarmed left, right, and centre. That's old news, I knew what I was getting into since the start. But I've not been truly facing them. In my prayers I have mostly been asking for certain things to be 'taken away' instead of praying for wisdom/strength to overcome them. I guess it's a cue that God will definitely not take them away until I've learnt this lesson. It just shows how much change is needed to my attitude, and I should expect even greater trials sent my way.

Solitude

I am one of the most blessed people on earth to have such great friends/family around. Not many have fostered close friendships since childhood, or being in countless situations where opportunities for forging such friendships abound. I was also brought up to care for the people around me. With the distance, it seems normal to feel homesick sometimes or loneliness due to a very community oriented upbringing. But, as I've recently share with dearest faithnoodles, this environment seemed to have influenced me to base my happiness on the presence and welfare of other people. I’m sure it isn't really a bad thing. But joy and happiness should be derived from God alone. I recently dealt with a breakup (still dealing with it), and this has caused me to rethink my position on quite a few things.

Among them is whether one truly ‘needs’ a partner. Compared to my web of logical explanation, Elaine said the same thing rather concisely: your other half complements you; but they do not complete you. I firmly believe that ideally we do not need anyone by our side. I am complete as I am in God. He already made me a standalone complete package; why should I ‘need’ someone? I may need God desperately, but that’s about all I should need. So, until one truly grasps that, one is not ready for a relationship. What I want this year is to find peace in solitude. The origin of naming this blog actually reflects that. To enter God’s sanctuary, you find a quiet place and whisper.  

Resolutions

Building from there, and the chapter by chapter posts, I actually do have some resolutions. Quite late but it’s okay. You spend more time sharpening your axe than hacking at the tree.

I will find the strength of solitude.

I will take a course of action rather than mull over the decision/decision making too long. I tend to plan and strategize a lot, but in 2013 I will take a swifter course of action rather than strategize the microns of a situation (which can never really be controlled anyway).

I will stop treating errands as burdens. They are necessary, rote tasks that allow interval time. They are a great way to expand my attention and extricate myself for a while.  

I will negate the delay in between actions. It’s not enough to take action, but to cut down on the time in between actions. In badminton, you don’t just time you shots and your footwork correctly, but you move immediately after you take a shot/decide it's not yours to take (doubles). This doesn't mean there won’t be recreational breathing space. With more efficient action taking it could well mean a ton more buffer time.

A day in 2013 has 86400 seconds.

Shiny Clouds

Be free little bird

I'm letting you go; I love you so

It shatters me, I know it shatters you 

But your sun must shine again

How I am in tatters trying to uncoil myself 

You, in every crevice of memory most sweet

But how can I keep you yet love you

How can I free you yet love again

Could sorrow be described in childish song; foolish poetry

In this scribbling of the boy with ideals

Shrouded now in prejudice 

of what the world ascribes to being a man

That which he stood against

Defiant to what is harsh and real

For the naivety of all things unconditional and lofty

How he succumbed 

May the powers that be watch over you and he now

Both were true as shiny clouds floating by

But the blue skies over the rainbow where they truly belong

Are not the blue skies this world feigns

The Life Event Chapter 3: That Girl

You acknowledge the heartbreaks in life. They provide valuable lessons, albeit bitter sweet memories. She will always be special. Always. One cannot simply wipe clean 2 most crucial years where she was there through thick and thin. It’s funny that I had always thought it was the big values that mattered most. Love. Trust. Respect. Honour. Yet in the end, it was the little things that asserted their say in whether 2 people are meant for each other.

  

After struggling for months, now, wearily and haggardly, I am allowing myself to be human. I am humbled to know that I wasn’t strong enough to take the unconditional leapt. After stripping away so much of the outer layer, there is an inner layer to my core that I just could not compromise. I’ve come to terms that it’s actually fine to have certain expectations of a life partner. It’s part of being human and acknowledging that I’m not perfect, where yearning  for a life partner who would complement values and weaknesses rather than have them constantly tested doesn’t make me a terrible person.

I believe we both have changed for the better. We went as close as possible as we could, changed a heck lot of things about ourselves but couldn’t quite get there in the end. In fact, we did spend a long time bashing our heads against the wall; refusing to believe that it didn’t work. The irony is we didn’t face as many problems as most couples. It was only in the big ‘M’ word where unresolvable issues cropped up, and fully believing that God would only give us the best fit, we decided that we weren’t it. We can take solace in the fact that we were two genuine people who tried every means to make it work and were true to each other till the end. It is definitely comforting to our conscience, yet it remains the cause of most sadness, with a slightly beautiful quality about it.

But who knows what will happen in 5-10 years? Would we have seen enough of the world, take a turn around, look way back at each other from different sides of the globe and smile knowingly? Perhaps we’ll never cross paths again, that the last I’d seen of her was before she returned to her hometown. The day I sent her off at the airport with her ponytail and bag (there and then, I’d never known that could be the last). But, I want to believe that what is yours will be yours in the end, no matter how far you run, and what isn’t yours will never be.

But for now, to love and to cherish is also to let go =)

The Life Event Chapter 2: Debate Declassified

It's hard to fathom that the day actually came when the curtains closed on debate. It seems to be just yesterday when I walked through Mdm C's door for the first time. An innocent, well meaning freshie. I've known debate since...I don't exactly remember. It made and ruined me. Ruined first, with horrifically inept judging in high school competitions. Enter university, where I bared my teeth and went crazy. Everyone around was nuts. We trained 2 sessions a day (sometimes morning, afternoon, and night) before competition and always had a follow up late night coffee shop banter. The actual debate only ever began after the adjudication - at intense arguments past midnight over a cup of milopeng in some dim coffeeshop. We argued everywhere. While waiting in the car, over lunch. Seniors threw us into the fire. Iron man-ing all 3 speaker roles vs 3 other state prospects. Building cases with a 5 min prep time, presenting them, having another motion thrown at you straight after; and another; and another; and another. Until your brain explodes, but only you never allowed it. Nowadays people want 'fun' debates, which is understandable, since they are not nutcases. I was from the time when we, well, we went to sessions hungry and wolfish and scary like YEAH MAN LET'S DO THIS LET'S GO IT'S SERIOUS BIZ. And we were a tight bunch, always sitting together in the libraries or at lunch. It sometimes got to the point of absurdity when say, 14 debaters insisted on squeezing into an 8 person table. But those moments made me smile.

It was also the first time I drank, built up my non-existent confidence with girls. Did some pretty crazy stuff too (for someone like me at the time). Who'd have known that as part of a dare, I'd be able to walk up to a random girl and put forward the brazen line "Will you be my girlfriend?" only to be rattled just as much with the reply "YES" with an unwavering look in the eye. Though that, was at an international tournament and debaters are infinitely more open and confident than the average girl. Strangely enough, against all logic, broaching the same proposal on a first date with another girl garnered a puzzling no. I've yet to engineer a working model for that (she being not a debater just made it harder! =P). Just don't do that. Don't. Ah. Times that make you look back and puzzle over how you actually got yourself up for it.

Some moments I'd never wish to revisit. The crazy politics, confrontation. The painful growing phase as president of a colourful community. One with the brightest, most eccentric students, yes. But also one with the most sophisticated, sneaky, charming, persuasive, sly, fretful, angsty, scheming, elitist, and narcissistic members. More drama then the drama club. And there was no 'acting' involved in ours. I'll never forget how long it took to bring to obsolescence that infamous label the club carried: "They're rich, arrogant, and drive fast cars". Or how we needed to clarify our coziness with the council (because...strangely enough, we were the council).

And there was more than one conspiracy theory associated with us. My attempt at recruiting a 13 year old genius to the club resulted in a report to the student council president. The Pres was one of us, and he claimed to have been tipped off that we were an 'evil organization trying to abduct'. Is imagination proportionate to intelligence? I think so =). I still wonder which part of my elevator pitch gave that impression. One valuable lesson was learnt during the time when we were behind the fight against charging for the student car park (backing the council president as he was one of us. Yet turning against him later when agendas got awry, but that's a lengthy story on it's own). We eventually lost and I realized how useless arguing semantics was in the real world. As someone I can't be bothered to google said, in the end, it's all politics.

The Warren Harding error (click for explanation)

The Warren Harding error is an idea of Malcolm Gladwell, who first wrote about it in his book 'Blink'.  I won't bother to explain it myself here as my readers (3?) will be well acquainted with the idea. During my stay, I learnt more about the world, but one of the most notable lessons was to observe an innate bias in humans towards certain traits. How we primitively make judgements according to very outward features. There was a scenario when I flew to an all girls school to conduct a training session/publicize our tournament. After a mock debate with one of my friends who was notably 'tall, dark, and handsome' and had a nice timbre in his voice vs me (guy who wears specs, nuf said), the attuned judges gave a 7-0 verdict in my favour. The entire hall of girls, however, gave it unanimously to my friend. It was then I believed that this error had meaningful grounds. Humankind does recognize a deeper voice as 'alpha' coupled with physical features. While it was amusing in a high school setting, I'm prepared to know that in real life, it may even be depressing. However, God has vindicated me every single time; and I believe He will do so when I am released into the world.

Debate taught me not to judge (for some it works the other way). It showed me that winning and losing together in a team forges rock solid friendship (especially when it's 'serious biz'). You gotta work with each other and strive to avoid the culture of blaming. I owe debate a huge chunk of my inner circle of beautiful people. Thank you!

And so, I bring this chapter of my life to closure. It was great while it lasted. Thank you for changing my life, SDC. I will never forget the friends I have made, the valuable lessons I have learned.

The Life Event Chapter 1: The Family

This is a new era. I find myself sprinting away from my comfort zone as far as I can. For one, I do not regret having chose a university close to home. There were certain respects that I needed to mature in. Didn't miss much either, I did travel more frequently than the typical student for debate/engineering competitions (sometimes up to 6 times a year). It's ironic that after all that 5000m training in MSSM, my race is now to run like heck away from idleness and comfort. 

86400 seconds in a day, and every one of those seconds could lead you to a completely different life story, depending on the decisions you make. Would you take the plunge? Would you jump off that cliff and build your wings on the way down; would you take on that seemingly impossible application; would you ask the girl of your dreams out? I am done with over-weighing a cost-benefit analysis in finding the answers to these decisions. I want to focus on making the decisions rather than mull over the process. I feel genuine repulsion in introspecting about the yes/no answers to such questions rather than taking action towards either one of them as immediately possible; and as efficiently possible.

Decisions that lead to a whole new different life. 

All three brothers will not meet face to face for the years to come, and the sight of our parents will become a once a year phenomenon. It has been a miracle and huge blessing that all of us have/had our education sponsored by the state. I did not doubt the prophecy years ago by one of my teachers, but when things like this come to pass, it still makes you wonder. My parents are sure trying to adjust to a new phase of life as well. From having 3 absolute monkeys thrashing about in the menagerie for 22 years they are left with an empty nest. I do hear about changes in lifestyle. Long walks in the park. Finally able to NOT tighten their belts and eat in favourite restaurants. They are doing more gardening. Way to go! It's their time now.