A poem written back in high school

To Abigail

I'm from..

I'm from sheathed swords, shattered spears and the slight breeze felt by the swath of scythes, not of battles lost and won, pyrrhic victories and hasty retreats, but the unheard army that trudges secretly, silently, dark horses as cavalry, lithe shadows as hoplites and very little known. I'm from the great salient, crushing forth, being crushed and rising again.

I'm from the echo of waterfalls, ambience of mists, fogs insidious with treachery, of fallen leaves- answering a traveller's shallow hoof, an uttered susurrus through the forests, casting winds high and low.

I'm from those gathered unseen, rustling unheard, of camaraderie never forgotten, living or dying, of loyalty thicker than blood and of spirit warriors past and present.

From advocates of chivalry and arbitrators of unheeded woe.

From possessors of kukri blades never banished.

From iron rods withheld.

I'm from vehemence soon to come; a torment. Tremors of sound without sight, moving through darkness as light, vaguely known, forces of upper echelons that fight the blight.

I'm from what was and still is fought for, cousins and friends and brothers and sisters of whispered prayers that alter the mighty currents.

Conversation of the gods

It is impossible to close your earlids because you have none. Hence you get bored of certain types of conversation occasionally. Such as the one below:

Girl: They don't...they will never understand me.
Girlfriend: Don't bother about them, hun. I understand youuu.
Girl (crestfallen, but trying to hide it awkwardly): Uh... aww... I know. You... always do.

At this instant, 1 is added to the gargantuan tally of the number of mourners fretting about how the world does not understand them.

This need to be understood not just by anyone, but everyone, is an increasingly common trend. Like in fashion, cultural fashion. The demanded right to be given very unique attention not just by someone who loves you but also every Tom, Dick and Harry out there. And, most of the time it isn't devoid of reason nor is it surprising. We often yearn to be understood by a family member, a girlfriend/boyfriend, a filial acquaintance. Even God wants to be understood a little more by his worshipers (though there hasn't been much success). Why? Because they have a direct emotional link, and in such relationships one would expect emotional support.

Other times you cringed - the victim blames the whole world, or whole groups of people for 'not understanding'. Blame can optionally be placed on the entire male or female species if you happen to find that it's not the whole world. This angst-y first cousin of the global phenomenon is what I want to type about. It seems to be different from the rest, it seems to be devoid of reason.

But I think it is not totally devoid of causal reason. That girl earlier may not have been given the same opportunities as everyone around her. Or she may not have been granted the degree of attention she wants. Many want the world to give them attention, and they strive to do so by inventing funny things like light bulbs or brooms. If attention is what she craves, I think she is irresponsible - she wants attention - just like that. For nothing! Go invent something first!

I noticed that these folks were depressed (although most not clinically). They look up at the accursed world very angrily, as it is the world's fault for not understanding them. The world will never understand. But let's throw it back and see what comes out of the equation: do they consider understanding others around them with the same urgency, especially the ones they vehemently accuse? For if they did, only then will it be one way care, only then will there be an issue of injustice and naturally a cause for justification. That would have shed much light on the matter of reason.

Even more puzzling is the fact that most actually do not want to be understood. They challenge others to try to get to know them, but the closer someone gets and makes clear all perceptions, the more vehemently they will deny even those that are obvious; the more aggressively they will try to tear down what others perceive and in some cases resort to tear down those responded kindly to their self-pitying act. They demand to be understood. And once pried open, like children they throw tantrums, demanding to be a mystery for fear of losing the gratification of being one. They are afraid to be happy.

It may be a component of self-worship, which we practice to a certain degree. Some think it's wrong, most think it's right. This post is not about that. It's about how many are of the opinion that others will be most delighted in understanding their whims and fancies. Nevertheless, self-worship is where it starts (well, almost all problems and angst start with self-worship). There most definitely exists something intrinsic in us that wants to devote to something, someone; that also wants to make itself god. And I believe that, eventually it must take a stand. People followed and served Jesus, Humanity, Hitler. People followed glory and blood. When 'social order' evolved to be more established it was harder to take a stand on the absolute ends. And all the while, we were the same intrinsically. We are scorned when devoting too much to God, and we would probably be laughed at if we asked random strangers on the road to worship us as gods today. But that crave still exists. All that energy has to be released in some form, right? Remember, energy cannot be created nor destroyed (oh well, I personally think that's false but let's leave that up to advance physics classes and mini-black holes. We'll stick to convention this time).

So I thought to myself: this girl seems to be releasing energy.

FORCE FORCE FORCE FORCE

Heat shields are evaporating

The reality of zookeeping within Malaysia

After a few test posts, here it is - a newly clad personal dimension - where I can learn to put my thoughts into words. And subject them to polish (how long have I not written something that's not my lab report?)

It is undoubtedly going to be a very abrasive and abusive process. The images in my head are hard to express. They are also hard to argue. Perhaps I'll just slip in one or two when I feel like it (for now I'm monkeying around, as the image above sorta implies). This blog will be have exactly that; a 'feel-like-it'...policy. I shall be free from the taxing need to make sense and I shall not attempt to avoid logical fallacies - this is not a parliament and I are not a parliament monkey. Besides, in thinking, 'erring' on the side of caution makes you logical and dumb and you can't create nuclear bombs with that sort of mentality.

Darn, I are already trying to justify myself. nevermind, summing up, let's just say with that attitude your heart is not opened up to God.

Finally, a big thank you to Ced a.k.a. Eli James for designing this blog... I know it took years!


Whisper for Sanctuary means prayer.

The Cardinal Sin

So, the world as I see it has been undergoing waves of change, and I try to be peaceful amidst the graceless eruption. I fail more often now.. and today I felt no peace. When you feel the need to be on guard, you feel no peace.

It is disappointing when trust is breached, I'm sure of that now. It is always tempting to ask why you stood by them, why you made those sacrifices. But that would mean one is complaining. Apparently I was taken for a fool, and maybe I am. I've committed trust, the cardinal sin. Does not the bible say (hah, tiba-tiba jak), 'do not put up your hands in pledge toward men'? It seems that I have been... disobedient. Please arrest me, God. My cousin would probably be telling God that she didn't know what was happening but she will have faith. That is a much better way to go then to whine and complain.

Nicety of the day (for every bad thing, there is a good thing that ought to be appreciated more):

oui...
muz b ok ok o.....
dun tink too much o......
n study hard hard o......

This was a random message from a friend before I went to sleep. Random, but really comforting. The os even rhyme.

Isn't it..funny?

False Promise

'Thus the army is established by deceit, moves for advantage, and changes through segmenting and reuniting.

Thus its speed is like the wind, it slowness like the forest: it invasion and plundering like a fire: unmoving, it is like the mountains. It is as difficult to know as the darkness: in movement it is like thunder.

So subtle it approaches the formless, so spiritual it attains the soundless.'
-Sun Tzu


Were you looking at the lady in red? Look again.

Adversary

They say eyes are windows to the soul. So I looked into yours, staring into the void and empty.