The Life Event Chapter 3: That Girl

You acknowledge the heartbreaks in life. They provide valuable lessons, albeit bitter sweet memories. She will always be special. Always. One cannot simply wipe clean 2 most crucial years where she was there through thick and thin. It’s funny that I had always thought it was the big values that mattered most. Love. Trust. Respect. Honour. Yet in the end, it was the little things that asserted their say in whether 2 people are meant for each other.

  

After struggling for months, now, wearily and haggardly, I am allowing myself to be human. I am humbled to know that I wasn’t strong enough to take the unconditional leapt. After stripping away so much of the outer layer, there is an inner layer to my core that I just could not compromise. I’ve come to terms that it’s actually fine to have certain expectations of a life partner. It’s part of being human and acknowledging that I’m not perfect, where yearning  for a life partner who would complement values and weaknesses rather than have them constantly tested doesn’t make me a terrible person.

I believe we both have changed for the better. We went as close as possible as we could, changed a heck lot of things about ourselves but couldn’t quite get there in the end. In fact, we did spend a long time bashing our heads against the wall; refusing to believe that it didn’t work. The irony is we didn’t face as many problems as most couples. It was only in the big ‘M’ word where unresolvable issues cropped up, and fully believing that God would only give us the best fit, we decided that we weren’t it. We can take solace in the fact that we were two genuine people who tried every means to make it work and were true to each other till the end. It is definitely comforting to our conscience, yet it remains the cause of most sadness, with a slightly beautiful quality about it.

But who knows what will happen in 5-10 years? Would we have seen enough of the world, take a turn around, look way back at each other from different sides of the globe and smile knowingly? Perhaps we’ll never cross paths again, that the last I’d seen of her was before she returned to her hometown. The day I sent her off at the airport with her ponytail and bag (there and then, I’d never known that could be the last). But, I want to believe that what is yours will be yours in the end, no matter how far you run, and what isn’t yours will never be.

But for now, to love and to cherish is also to let go =)

The Life Event Chapter 2: Debate Declassified

It's hard to fathom that the day actually came when the curtains closed on debate. It seems to be just yesterday when I walked through Mdm C's door for the first time. An innocent, well meaning freshie. I've known debate since...I don't exactly remember. It made and ruined me. Ruined first, with horrifically inept judging in high school competitions. Enter university, where I bared my teeth and went crazy. Everyone around was nuts. We trained 2 sessions a day (sometimes morning, afternoon, and night) before competition and always had a follow up late night coffee shop banter. The actual debate only ever began after the adjudication - at intense arguments past midnight over a cup of milopeng in some dim coffeeshop. We argued everywhere. While waiting in the car, over lunch. Seniors threw us into the fire. Iron man-ing all 3 speaker roles vs 3 other state prospects. Building cases with a 5 min prep time, presenting them, having another motion thrown at you straight after; and another; and another; and another. Until your brain explodes, but only you never allowed it. Nowadays people want 'fun' debates, which is understandable, since they are not nutcases. I was from the time when we, well, we went to sessions hungry and wolfish and scary like YEAH MAN LET'S DO THIS LET'S GO IT'S SERIOUS BIZ. And we were a tight bunch, always sitting together in the libraries or at lunch. It sometimes got to the point of absurdity when say, 14 debaters insisted on squeezing into an 8 person table. But those moments made me smile.

It was also the first time I drank, built up my non-existent confidence with girls. Did some pretty crazy stuff too (for someone like me at the time). Who'd have known that as part of a dare, I'd be able to walk up to a random girl and put forward the brazen line "Will you be my girlfriend?" only to be rattled just as much with the reply "YES" with an unwavering look in the eye. Though that, was at an international tournament and debaters are infinitely more open and confident than the average girl. Strangely enough, against all logic, broaching the same proposal on a first date with another girl garnered a puzzling no. I've yet to engineer a working model for that (she being not a debater just made it harder! =P). Just don't do that. Don't. Ah. Times that make you look back and puzzle over how you actually got yourself up for it.

Some moments I'd never wish to revisit. The crazy politics, confrontation. The painful growing phase as president of a colourful community. One with the brightest, most eccentric students, yes. But also one with the most sophisticated, sneaky, charming, persuasive, sly, fretful, angsty, scheming, elitist, and narcissistic members. More drama then the drama club. And there was no 'acting' involved in ours. I'll never forget how long it took to bring to obsolescence that infamous label the club carried: "They're rich, arrogant, and drive fast cars". Or how we needed to clarify our coziness with the council (because...strangely enough, we were the council).

And there was more than one conspiracy theory associated with us. My attempt at recruiting a 13 year old genius to the club resulted in a report to the student council president. The Pres was one of us, and he claimed to have been tipped off that we were an 'evil organization trying to abduct'. Is imagination proportionate to intelligence? I think so =). I still wonder which part of my elevator pitch gave that impression. One valuable lesson was learnt during the time when we were behind the fight against charging for the student car park (backing the council president as he was one of us. Yet turning against him later when agendas got awry, but that's a lengthy story on it's own). We eventually lost and I realized how useless arguing semantics was in the real world. As someone I can't be bothered to google said, in the end, it's all politics.

The Warren Harding error (click for explanation)

The Warren Harding error is an idea of Malcolm Gladwell, who first wrote about it in his book 'Blink'.  I won't bother to explain it myself here as my readers (3?) will be well acquainted with the idea. During my stay, I learnt more about the world, but one of the most notable lessons was to observe an innate bias in humans towards certain traits. How we primitively make judgements according to very outward features. There was a scenario when I flew to an all girls school to conduct a training session/publicize our tournament. After a mock debate with one of my friends who was notably 'tall, dark, and handsome' and had a nice timbre in his voice vs me (guy who wears specs, nuf said), the attuned judges gave a 7-0 verdict in my favour. The entire hall of girls, however, gave it unanimously to my friend. It was then I believed that this error had meaningful grounds. Humankind does recognize a deeper voice as 'alpha' coupled with physical features. While it was amusing in a high school setting, I'm prepared to know that in real life, it may even be depressing. However, God has vindicated me every single time; and I believe He will do so when I am released into the world.

Debate taught me not to judge (for some it works the other way). It showed me that winning and losing together in a team forges rock solid friendship (especially when it's 'serious biz'). You gotta work with each other and strive to avoid the culture of blaming. I owe debate a huge chunk of my inner circle of beautiful people. Thank you!

And so, I bring this chapter of my life to closure. It was great while it lasted. Thank you for changing my life, SDC. I will never forget the friends I have made, the valuable lessons I have learned.

The Life Event Chapter 1: The Family

This is a new era. I find myself sprinting away from my comfort zone as far as I can. For one, I do not regret having chose a university close to home. There were certain respects that I needed to mature in. Didn't miss much either, I did travel more frequently than the typical student for debate/engineering competitions (sometimes up to 6 times a year). It's ironic that after all that 5000m training in MSSM, my race is now to run like heck away from idleness and comfort. 

86400 seconds in a day, and every one of those seconds could lead you to a completely different life story, depending on the decisions you make. Would you take the plunge? Would you jump off that cliff and build your wings on the way down; would you take on that seemingly impossible application; would you ask the girl of your dreams out? I am done with over-weighing a cost-benefit analysis in finding the answers to these decisions. I want to focus on making the decisions rather than mull over the process. I feel genuine repulsion in introspecting about the yes/no answers to such questions rather than taking action towards either one of them as immediately possible; and as efficiently possible.

Decisions that lead to a whole new different life. 

All three brothers will not meet face to face for the years to come, and the sight of our parents will become a once a year phenomenon. It has been a miracle and huge blessing that all of us have/had our education sponsored by the state. I did not doubt the prophecy years ago by one of my teachers, but when things like this come to pass, it still makes you wonder. My parents are sure trying to adjust to a new phase of life as well. From having 3 absolute monkeys thrashing about in the menagerie for 22 years they are left with an empty nest. I do hear about changes in lifestyle. Long walks in the park. Finally able to NOT tighten their belts and eat in favourite restaurants. They are doing more gardening. Way to go! It's their time now.

The Life Event: Prologue

I walked through the front door, laid down the bouquet of flowers, the square hat, and sat down slowly, absorbing the fact that I am now formally recognized as - a graduate. The thought that college was over sank in. This particular chapter will never recur. Not with the same group of people; the same set of circumstances; the same time; the same place. Plus, I'll never turn 21 again.

The shift to full fledged independence and adulthood is now in full swing. Not that it wasn't in college, but there were going to be fewer roads heading in any other direction. Would there still be late hang outs, ones where you basked in the full knowledge of being in the midst of a 3 month holiday? Will your buddies still be around? If they aren't, will you be able to start from the ground level again to foster similarly deep, lasting friendships in a working world that demands austere professionalism? I'm not sure if an environment for unassuming friendship exists in this new world. Maybe we all start developing rigid commitments to family, children, and drift further and further away from any individual not blood related... until it concludes to a short greeting in church on Sundays, a nudge to your child followed by a brief sentence that carries something along the lines of 'Son, that gentlemen over there... back in the day we did this and that'. Would we still go on excursions together? Or was it just a sole survival game for the next 30 years with your spouse? 

In many ways it felt like a break up. A detachment from a moment in time rich with both good and bad memories. And there were deep passions that came with every college/student life. Leave this life, leave them. The least I could do is remember them. So, I'll write a chapter for each part as a tribute. 

Chapter 1: The Family  

Chapter 2: Debate Declassified

Chapter 3: That Girl

It's gonna be a brave new world.

Day 1: Facing the Giants by Pastor Jay Koopman

Yeah, it's not a habit for me to go to this kind of thing. But you know, I don't know why I went I just did. Such deep regret I'd have if I hadn't gone. I will not post certain sensitive things of course, but here's a gist of the thing not as word by word as said by the preacher, but how I understood it.

What is God? If God is the ultimate being of the universe; the uncreated, the exalted, the terrible, then won't we be obliged to lick the dust of His feet? If God is indeed the absolute gold standard of Morality; a being so pure and holy then we would be lucky if He looked at us with anything other than scorn, right? Wrong. To gain perspective, we take a look at some fun facts. In the bible, how did Jesus describe God? He described Him as holy 3 times, but described Him as some other adjective a whooping 202 times. That adjective was 'father'. To put this in context we must know first that Jesus was here to set an example of a perfect relationship with God, one thing we should emulate. So, no, Jesus did not deny that God was the holy, jealous, and 'terrible' God. But there was more emphasis on God with the role of a father figure, wasn't there?

We're talking about a perfect father here. One that wants a relationship with his children, cares for them, and forgives them for their imperfections. So, generally, if you want to do something for this perfect dad, you'd do it out of love won't you? If you want to follow his edicts, you'd try and try again, and it would mean nothing because you did it out of love won't it? You'd also strive to be holy won't you?

We do need to be holy, but this is the wiser way rather than 'keeping tabs' on every single nuance of morality (ouch with all that nitty gritty).

So, first conclusion,

1. God is our father, and we strive to fulfill His edicts because we love Him and He first loved us.

"Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father" John 14:9

Now, let's look into the Prodigal Son. Both sons are Prodigal sons. There difference here is that one had a lot of self-condemnation because he wasn't exactly the perfect son; the other had a lavished sense of self-entitlement because man - he was The perfect son, or was he? Let's take a look at the jerk first.

Jerk tells dad that he wants his inheritance. Does this indicate that times have changed? I mean, nowadays you do that to LOSE your inheritance. I don't think it was any different last time. Amazingly, dad grants him his wish. Elsewhere, you'd get five-fold ministry (is that what Pastor Jay said?). Jerk then leaves family, regrets, and comes back in a melodramatic heap. Acceptance back into the family was the last thing he expects. The best bet, is to be as a servant of the family and nothing more. He prepares a speech. Must have spent some time rehearsing it. But the Father, doesn't do that. He welcomes him with a ferocity. Slaughters the fat calf, drapes over him the best robe, gives him sandals, ring. Did he even hear his 'O Woe to me' speach? And oh, other son is outraged. He worked 'like a slave' for the family and what? He digs no calf? This guy served the family loyally more than the amount of years that the other guy was disloyal. The father pleads, and begs him to understand,

So what were their faults? (translation: how were they similar to us =))

One was extremely shameful that he had strayed away and was nowhere near the standards of being a father's son. The other, thought that hey, I've tried so hard, and I definitely deserve a special place with my father. And both happen to be wrong. And both are like most of us.

The Father doesn't flee when we are wrong, and we're not just sons of the Father when we're right. To understand this we have to ask the question: What makes us righteous? By now the obvious answer would be: the Father makes us righteous. We are sons of the Father, you know, just because.We are His children. He comes in peace. Robe. Ring. Sandals.

On another note, the oldest son was like 'a slave' in his own words. He wasn't doing things out of love and care but rather out of 'duty'. Like a morality calculus machine. He also wasn't so 'cured' as he thought it was. He thought doing good works did it. So he kept at it and it made him feel good but deep inside something was still not right.

It's getting quite draggy writing about this right now, but man it is awesome. Another thing, would be on how we must hate the sin and not the sinner (which ironically also points to not being too harsh on ourselves). I have always asked why. Through Pastor Jay's experience (and I say Pastor Jay because it may be not entirely biblical, but nevertheless wise perception), sometimes people who act in less tolerable ways are simply hurt. The sharing is personal so of course it can't be public, never mind the remoteness of my blog. He also inferred a reason the younger son left. Perhaps it was because he couldn't live up to expectations of being like the older brother and felt that he didn't deserve to be family.

God just wants a relationship. Like Father and Child. Beautiful, isn't it? When we pray in our austere, office-formal prayers God's probably like: what? Whatcha doing?

So this, is day 1. I can't believe I went to all 4 days. What's gotten into me? The Holy Spirit, Amen? I'll try to post the rest like this one so at least those who didn't go can read something. Also, I'm doing some research into the emo subculture. Seems to be a worrying trendy trend....

The 7 stakes. (UPDATED 2012)

This new post is nothing really new. But it makes things a lot neater, and it is a follow up on the progress of the 7 stakes.

Future Stakes and Steps


## I cannot believe how much time has passed since I set up these goals. Now I shall observe and reflect on them.


1. Investment
- As said, I plan to see what index investing has, and hopefully with that little understanding, join the investment game.
## This never happened =D

2. FYP finale
Slow is the movement. My partner has taken upon himself to do the programming part. I shall focus on hardware then, specifically the energy monitoring device. At least there's a direction. There are more cons though, such as the pace at which we're moving.
## This was a failure. Whatever effort done at this stage was blown up (literally). It was a tough and stressful period. But you know what, there was divine intervention. That was the only way that could have turned this project into a success.

3. Tough professor
He's actually quite interesting. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I say the truth and nothing but the truth.
## After all those scary stories. He actually supported us in our fyp presentation. I actually scored pretty high in his subject. All is well. All is well.

4. Internship
Intel is not looking like an option. At least not as certain. Company not hunting me anymore. It's not like I'm going to whine about how it's all JPA's fault and my dreams are shattered and what not (had gleefully wanted to work at Nasa anyway ^^). I'm keeping other options open. I just need a job for three months. If I'm actually of any good success will chase after me and not the other way. Besides, God has it all figured out. I just have to prepare myself.
## And how did I end up enjoying the company's atmosphere everyday as I'm writing this? God is amazing? Can I say that again?

5. Quiet time and alone time
Why is this failing? I think it's because of irresponsibility. This doesn't seem as serious to me as it really is because it is not tangible.
## I shall have to ask that question again.


6. Being worthy. Being thankful.
So the 6th's stake is modified. I think that these two are like Messi and Xavi =D. It will be what I meditate upon for three months, starting from now. Every day, every hour, every second.

To think about it, I am doing a great injustice of not being thankful enough. What are the things that make it extremely hard to be thankful? Mostly notably relationship scars (for those my age). "Oh, I have these scars and I'll never learn to love again." Why? Girl is too materialistic. Guy cheats. Or, broken families. Divorces. Major disagreements between family members. Deaths. Recently, a very good friend of mine lost a father. Or, it can be just the same old drama queen who frets on stage about how life is and that no one is perfect for him or her, and he or she is sooo perfect oh yeahh (but then again I don't think this last part is in the script; my bad).

And I've discovered that I've got none of those. None. I'm fortunate to be from a good, stable family that is grounded more or less, never mind the obsession with certain things. I've got an extraordinary gf who puts up with lots of my nonsense and knows how to douse fire with water. I've got most of the wants in life, never mind the needs. That includes a Bayern München jersey!

I'm not worthy of all these. I shall now try to live up to them.

## This is positive. I am thankful. But guilt comes with it. God is doing all the heavy duty scenes in my life alone. I'm just a spectator. This cannot go on; I must honour my part.

7. Follow up.
Just to reflect on how weak this area is.
1. Braces. # Gone case
2. Piano. # Gone case. But it seems I am destined to play piano for church. God has chosen the weakest gift I have to glorify Him. As I may not boast of it.
3. Chores. # No comment
4. 8-10 Books lying around. # Developed a bit more discipline to read them.
5. Scouts # Gone case
6. Badminton # Gone case
7. Vedic math # Gone case
8. Choir # This was successful for a while, and the lesson bore fruit, unlike piano
9.FYP research # Major success

This is a weakness that has to be overcome little by little, day by day.

As of Now, this present eon

I do not frequently update a blog, because I have not explored thoroughly its concept. Carelessly speaking, it is merely an online diary, if not a more public one. Dangerously, I have to ask myself why I'm fine with such little concern for privacy. A diary is supposed to be a very private, personal space. Why would I want anything other than that? But I say that this personal space is fairly private. It is known by just a few souls, who don't really blog anymore: and even if they did, these few I could trust. I may also comfort myself in declaring that I have nothing to hide; or admit that I just do not possess the stupidity necessary to post something out of bounds. Although now, part of me is disappointed. I am not about to take back anything, but you cannot know for sure sometimes. I may be willing to temporarily knock 50 points off my IQ scale just for the excitement of it.

Now, I'm on holiday. I've just finished my exams. My exam only had one subject. So it's called a winter semester. I'm still traumatized as to why they called it that. That was brilliant. 8 sentences without commas or anything including 'that was brilliant' and '8 sentences without commas or anything including 'that was brilliant' and '8 sentences without commas or anything including 'that was brilliant' and '8 sentences without commas or anything including 'that was brilliant' and '8 sentences without commas or anything including 'that was brilliant' and '8 sentences without commas or anything including 'that was brilliant' and ARRGGGGH I just don't know how to end that sentence! Alternatively I could have just used '8 sentences without commas or anything including 'that was brilliant' and this sentence' without ending up in a freak vortex.

Now, I am reflecting about what life has been to me.

Main Highlights (Like in football)
1. FYP
I have been through the first phase of the much feared FYP; something that every engineering student has to go through. I have thrived when I thought failure to be more imminent. That is a positive sign and is something to keep up.

2. Intel comes knocking
This came as a surprise when I was pressured by both the university and my friends at Intel to take up the offer. Believe me, I tried.Who won't? It's the equivalent of Google/Microsoft hunting you. There was a hurdle, one I could not clear. In the context of this offer, I had to take a 1 year academic break and go for training. This clashed with the policies of my patron scholarship body. I tried to coax them to let me go. I tried. Therefore, I am not too disappointed.

3. Debate ceases
This was one of the tougher decisions, and had perhaps, strained some relationships. I ceased all participation in debate tournaments.

Future Stakes and Steps
1. Investment
Engineers are going to be poor people. A starter 3k per month is not enough for you to survive. For some it goes down to 1.8k. Safe investing will be a good complement. Putting it in the bank will not save its time value, so might as well do something useful.
--------

There has not been a lot of action into this. However, I plan to join an investment game next month. To do so I shall read up on index investing.

2. FYP finale
People most fear this. In our project, we have quite a few things to figure out as well. But I will not give in to mindless fear. It makes me dread the project. I'm positive I can find a way out: there always is. I promise that the process of creating solutions won't be filled with dread. It will be about working intelligently around the clock, with fully rested time-outs if need be. Persistence with minimal wear and tear. It all starts next week after a camp coming up in two days; where I will rest fully and ready myself.
------
Moving too slowly.

3. Tough professor
He will be teaching Photonics and Fibreoptics. He thinks very highly of himself because he hails from Oxford and holds many credentials. You are not allowed to ask questions. You will be scolded and promptly told that everything is in the textbook and the lectures. Do not question or it may result in a shouting match. I shall deal with him tactfully; without losing a shred of confidence.
-------
Not so tough after all...

4. Internship
For it to commence early next year, I must apply for it at least in October. I will apply starting next week also. First on the list is naturally Intel. It is a good stepping stone for further things and I won't mind the company being where I land my first job.
-------
Intel is not looking like an option. At least not a certain one like the last time. I'm keeping other options open. I just need a job for three months.

5. Quiet time and alone time
This is the worst failure for now, but it is the most important thing I must have... checks and balances are underway.
----
This is failing flat on it's face.


6. Be worthy. This is a new objective. I must manage my temperament and and my cynicism carefully. There are wonderful people around me who bear no ill intentions but I do have the frequent outburst. Yesterday, Charmaine gave me a note on how one should pray with a thankful heart. I think this brings a lot of meaning to how one's attitude should be in pretty much every approach. If I'm thankful all the time, I wouldn't hesitate to help anyone in need, neither would I cynically shoot down a well-meaning conversation. Neither would I waste my time. Neither would I procrastinate. I would sleep well, eat well, do well. This is far reaching.

I will never be fully worthy of course. But one must start somewhere.

7. Follow up. This is another new and important objective, and my ultimate weakness. I seldom follow up till the end. Braces. Piano. Chores. Books. This is a weakness that has to be overcome little by little, day by day.


A litany to live by
I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain

Philosophy to live by
I think that it's possible to be so successful, that success chases after you. It's not the law of attraction. It's about being of insanely high value as perceived by whoever you want to be perceived by. Therefore you do not chase 'success'. It doesn't work that way. If you want to be someone, you do not gradually work towards becoming. You become, then set out to work. Mahatma Gandhi was always Mahatma Gandhi before bringing independence to India. Einstein was always Einstein, and well, Hitler was always Hitler. Mia san mia.

The name of the game next round is to strive to compete, not to survive.