Life took a recent turn at the wedding, I am a married man now. My view of the world has changed with time, hopefully for the better.
But there have been a few pitfalls in my worldview especially when it comes to friendship. Right up to the wedding. I try to avoid any grudges - as they are not useful in life and take up unnecessary energy. But I've realized that some people had grudges against me that I scarcely knew about.
One or two people did not respond to my wedding invitation. These were not strangers whom I have not been in contact for years, but ones whom I considered closer than even my university coursemates. I reached out via all forms of communication to them. One of them responded eventually, stating he was out of in the country. He was seen later drinking with guests from my wedding dinner - right after the dinner.
He later Facebooked me asking about my wedding, future plans, if I had bought a house, how was my job etc. I had no qualms giving him what he wanted as the pictures of him with the wedding guests had not reached me then. After getting the information he needed, he promptly ended the conversation.
It's not a problem if people can't make it for the wedding. I haven't been too diligent myself in attending weddings and my very own bestman skipped the 2nd phase of my wedding to spend time with grandma - which was understandable. Yes, I am getting married and it's a big day for me, but I know that people have a life and priorities too.
I held no grudges against this person. We hustled together under similar circumstances and wished for each others' happiness. Or so I thought until someone more perceptive repeatedly pointed out that it was no accident that he was shying away from (in high school drama terms - boycotting) me. I also noticed the same odd behaviour from people close to him from the same social circle. I rejected this for months because they were older than me and found it hard to believe that anyone in my circle would behave that way. They were from my university days. We kept in contact but were so long out of the type of contact that could give way to friction.
There are many flaws in my personality especially when it comes to social interaction. But it's tough for me to evaluate if I'm not told. Tell me that I'm a horrible conversationalist because I tend to stick to topics that I value instead of others and I can do something about it. Well, there is no obligation for anyone to offer feedback and it's their right to walk away. But I wonder which of it was worth the acrobatics to lie about being out of the country, come back and glean information on how I was doing, and covertly poison other members of my social circle. Why had he even bothered to check on me after the wedding? In hindsight, it was probably only to know the level of success I was at and find possible material to gloat over.
A reflection for self improvement is always better than a critique of others. So I will use this experience to be better. A key takeaway after this discovery is that we are often not who we think we are to people.
My best friend has been talking about what constitutes the attainment of real knowledge. After much discussion, what I've gleaned is that knowledge is only attained if our reptilian minds have got it (I'm sorry if he thinks I've slaughtered this part but that's how I see it).
There is the very rational part of us, the very conscious part that is who we think 'we' are. You open your eyes and thoughts flow into your mind - and that's the very surface of who you are - your conscious mind. Your immediate inner voice?
But that conscious part of us is not often very well projected to the world around us. Rather, there is a chemical part that very much filters the inner voice into our actual behaviour and decisions. Some call it emotion. Some call it trauma. So before a thought becomes action, it goes through a chemical obstacle course.
For example, I have issues of anger. I'm very conscious of the need to not display anger unnecessarily. But push a certain set of buttons and there you have it, a nuclear explosion. Do I want it? No. Do I think it's right? No. Then why do I do it? It's as if "I" am overridden by my reptilian brain. This is why it takes something other than intelligence and education to become a better person.
The reptile is who people see and are affected by. Not the self-righteous inner voice that casts me as the protagonist of my story.
It's no different than sports, public speaking, or singing. You think what you're doing is right but others see it differently. Ever recorded yourself on camera and experienced the horror of seeing your actual attempts at playing a game or singing?
It's even easier to understand it if it's not about you (case in point). Everyone playing a sport has seen a player with poor technique. They are oblivious to the fact that whatever they're doing - it looks awkward and unsightly. And they're costing you precious points. I am that player, in a social sense.
There is also a chance that people are doing this due to jealousy. But my current job is crazy unglamorous so that's a long shot. I mean, if they are, they must have set some pretty low standards.
My doors are always open to friends, old and new. People are important and I make new friends in every town I land in. But my doors are open as well to those who choose to walk out on their own accord.
But there have been a few pitfalls in my worldview especially when it comes to friendship. Right up to the wedding. I try to avoid any grudges - as they are not useful in life and take up unnecessary energy. But I've realized that some people had grudges against me that I scarcely knew about.
One or two people did not respond to my wedding invitation. These were not strangers whom I have not been in contact for years, but ones whom I considered closer than even my university coursemates. I reached out via all forms of communication to them. One of them responded eventually, stating he was out of in the country. He was seen later drinking with guests from my wedding dinner - right after the dinner.
He later Facebooked me asking about my wedding, future plans, if I had bought a house, how was my job etc. I had no qualms giving him what he wanted as the pictures of him with the wedding guests had not reached me then. After getting the information he needed, he promptly ended the conversation.
It's not a problem if people can't make it for the wedding. I haven't been too diligent myself in attending weddings and my very own bestman skipped the 2nd phase of my wedding to spend time with grandma - which was understandable. Yes, I am getting married and it's a big day for me, but I know that people have a life and priorities too.
I held no grudges against this person. We hustled together under similar circumstances and wished for each others' happiness. Or so I thought until someone more perceptive repeatedly pointed out that it was no accident that he was shying away from (in high school drama terms - boycotting) me. I also noticed the same odd behaviour from people close to him from the same social circle. I rejected this for months because they were older than me and found it hard to believe that anyone in my circle would behave that way. They were from my university days. We kept in contact but were so long out of the type of contact that could give way to friction.
There are many flaws in my personality especially when it comes to social interaction. But it's tough for me to evaluate if I'm not told. Tell me that I'm a horrible conversationalist because I tend to stick to topics that I value instead of others and I can do something about it. Well, there is no obligation for anyone to offer feedback and it's their right to walk away. But I wonder which of it was worth the acrobatics to lie about being out of the country, come back and glean information on how I was doing, and covertly poison other members of my social circle. Why had he even bothered to check on me after the wedding? In hindsight, it was probably only to know the level of success I was at and find possible material to gloat over.
A reflection for self improvement is always better than a critique of others. So I will use this experience to be better. A key takeaway after this discovery is that we are often not who we think we are to people.
My best friend has been talking about what constitutes the attainment of real knowledge. After much discussion, what I've gleaned is that knowledge is only attained if our reptilian minds have got it (I'm sorry if he thinks I've slaughtered this part but that's how I see it).
There is the very rational part of us, the very conscious part that is who we think 'we' are. You open your eyes and thoughts flow into your mind - and that's the very surface of who you are - your conscious mind. Your immediate inner voice?
But that conscious part of us is not often very well projected to the world around us. Rather, there is a chemical part that very much filters the inner voice into our actual behaviour and decisions. Some call it emotion. Some call it trauma. So before a thought becomes action, it goes through a chemical obstacle course.
For example, I have issues of anger. I'm very conscious of the need to not display anger unnecessarily. But push a certain set of buttons and there you have it, a nuclear explosion. Do I want it? No. Do I think it's right? No. Then why do I do it? It's as if "I" am overridden by my reptilian brain. This is why it takes something other than intelligence and education to become a better person.
The reptile is who people see and are affected by. Not the self-righteous inner voice that casts me as the protagonist of my story.
It's no different than sports, public speaking, or singing. You think what you're doing is right but others see it differently. Ever recorded yourself on camera and experienced the horror of seeing your actual attempts at playing a game or singing?
It's even easier to understand it if it's not about you (case in point). Everyone playing a sport has seen a player with poor technique. They are oblivious to the fact that whatever they're doing - it looks awkward and unsightly. And they're costing you precious points. I am that player, in a social sense.
There is also a chance that people are doing this due to jealousy. But my current job is crazy unglamorous so that's a long shot. I mean, if they are, they must have set some pretty low standards.
My doors are always open to friends, old and new. People are important and I make new friends in every town I land in. But my doors are open as well to those who choose to walk out on their own accord.
