Roti Tisu getting all soggy; Sinking into mediocrity

So once again Malaysia hoped. Once again I chose to join the thousands, as I always do, in my staunch believe in Malaysia despite all odds. I resign that this sort of belief is irrational; it involves denying the statistician within and embracing the pride of Malaysian badminton simply for being Malaysian. This time it meant even more. Malaysians have little left to be proud of and little left to be united. Each day, our nation's leaders express pathological hatred for you and I simply because we are ethnically different. I wonder where our leaders fall on the bell curve as human beings. I have not met droves of people in my life, but out of the thousands even the most cruel cannot harbor that much hatred for that long with that much irrationality. Ever wondered about what stuff beautiful, great people are made of? Well, I really wonder what stuff our leaders are made of; dark, human vessels so resilient of harboring bitterness for decades, bearing no remorse for murder, lusting for the taste of genocide. How is one even capable of that? Sociopaths should only make up a very little part of the population (1-4%). It makes me shudder when such phenomenon has disproportionate representation in the bench governing you and I. It also saddens me that recently, my own ethnic group has become increasingly racist, perhaps as a reaction toward the oppression suffered to them over the decades. They are right where the government needs them in order to divide and rule.  

Being in the Thomas Cup finals was an escape from this madness. Once again, I told skeptics that I have no doubt that on court today, we will perform (although rather sneakily, the statistician in me allowed 1 point to Japan). Once again, I said Malaysia can, although to be honest I don't recall a time when it could. Yet like a fool, I have doggedly stood by one side, one roti tisu, in one mamak stall every single time (okay, there were times that I live streamed...). Sure, I knew it was a 'bonus' we were in the finals. I knew what our players brought to the table and expected even clearing the group stage to be nerve-wrecking. But I was heartbroken all the same when we lost. It was like the last splutter of an old dog. No, at 27, Liew Daren is not the next Lee Chong Wei. Neither is Wei Feng at 26, Thien How at 27. Only V Shem and Wee Kiong are 24 year olds. Such is the bane of hoping. Hope, was after all the last item let out of the Pandoras Box, and the most twisted of all; for it was a false prophet.

I fully concede that the team did what it could on court and deserved all credit for that, but this match was lost off court. So I am going to be the balance among the droves of delightful commendations and commentary by friends and family alike. The dark side of the force. The Yang of your Ying. Because in another timeline where Koo Kien Kiet had not let past glories, drinking, smoking, and women get to him, the line up could have involved the lethal TBH/KKK. This is the pair that showed the world how double motion/trick shots were tactically possible in world class mens doubles. Even if it was against the fearsome Fu HaiFeng and Cai Yun. In another timeline, had Daren not let winning the French Open get to him (making him arrogant and outright disobedient to coaches in training sessions), he would not be 'playing the game of his life' against Takuma Ueda. This was not a match between an underdog World no.66 against World no.25. No. In fact, Wei Feng was always the underdog to Daren, and Daren consistently topped him in the rankings, even being no.12 for a time - but always under 20. BAM's goal this year was for them both to break into the top 10. And why not? No man has taken a set off Lin Dan in his first encounter. And no Malaysian has beaten Lee Chong Wei for some time now. Although he was eventually ousted unceremoniously, Daren did exactly that to upset the giant 21-17 with Super Dan admitting "I was in all sorts of trouble".  Daren routed Chong Wei 23-21, 21-14 in last year's DJarum Cup fair and square to the delight of Mr. Rashid Sidek. Get this, Malaysia has never lacked talent. But do you see what the difference is between Chong Wei and the rest? I quote Misbun - "He is a popular figure now, there is money, big cars and other distractions, including attention from girls. But what does Chong Wei do? He trains". So there, no excuse. Not youngster, not underdog. 

With that, I became a bit less Malaysian and left poor roti tisu in its wake, setting off to watch X-men in a brightly lit, shopping mall with a nice multi-storey carpark with a beautiful girl.

2014. Upheaval!

Looking back at 2013, I even see a post where I came up with some resolutions. But what have I actually attempted in 2013? I do not view success as having fulfilled a resolution. That would be unfair as some are life long learning quests. Having attempted them would suffice in my books - how many actually walk the talk on big new year resolutions anyway?

2013 Resolutions

1. I will find strength in solitude

This is a life long process, but I did not progress too well in 2013. It was just hustling and bustling like a busy bee most of the way.

2. I will take action instead of mull over them

There is a reason why engineering is different when compared to theoretical physics. Real life constraints like time or ROI plague the discipline. Who ever really dreams up a perfect, surefire solution before being doomed to failure? Surely I am not implying that silly risks should be taken. But comparing the fruit of making a perfect calculus before going ahead vs scrambling off with a less elegant but swiftly functional solution...I prefer the latter. One is never fully prepared. If you hadn't known, Rommel aka the 'Desert Fox' is a childhood hero of mine. What I keenly admire about him is that the guy strikes when both him and the enemy are unprepared.

3. I will stop treating errands as burdens leading to procrastination

Chugging off slow and buggy, I no longer feared the discomfort of errands by the year's end. I've grown up in this area. Quite yay, really.

4. I will negate the delay between actions

I have yet to absolutely commit to this effort, I still 'laze' around. It is staying for 2014.

2013 resolutions were very practical ones. They certainly did mold my character, but as quite the after effect. Along the way, I was forced to work on a few other things.

1. Hard work

I have never worked quite this hard in my life. Felt that I was doing myself a disservice by not extending to the best of my capabilities. I improved this year, but it wasn't significant. I expect this change to be a huge upheaval in 2014.

2. Anger/ego/prejudice/pride management. Whatever name it is ascribed, there is something aggressive and rabid in me.

To give this context, I will revise an insightful excerpt by C.S. Lewis on Pride that Cedric shared with me centuries ago (yes, I will never forget).

First, the proposal of pride being the 'greatest sin':
"According to Christian teachers, the essential vice, the utmost evil, is Pride. Unchastity, anger, greed, drunkenness, and all that, are mere flea bites in comparison: it was through Pride that the devil became the devil: Pride leads to every other vice: it is the complete anti-God state of mind. "

The premise that pride competes with itself:
"I pointed out a moment ago that the more pride one had, the more one disliked pride in others. In fact, if you want to find out how proud you are the easiest way is to ask yourself, "How much do I dislike it when other people snub me, or refuse to take any notice of me, or shove their oar in, or patronise me, or show off?" The point it that each person's pride is in competition with every one else's pride. It is because I wanted to be the big noise at the party that I am so annoyed at someone else being the big noise. Two of a trade never agree. Now what you want to get clear is that Pride is essentially competitive—is competitive by its very nature—while the other vices are competitive only, so to speak, by accident."

The premise that pride is only satiated by comparison:
"Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man. We say that people are proud of being rich, or clever, or good-looking, but they are not. They are proud of being richer, or cleverer, or better-looking than others. If every one else became equally rich, or clever, or good-looking there would be nothing to be proud about. It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest."

"The sexual impulse may drive two men into competition if they both want the same girl. But that is only by accident; they might just as likely have wanted two different girls. But a proud man will take your girl from you, not because he wants her, but just to prove to himself that he is a better man than you."

Finally, the premise of its insidious nature of beating down other vices:
"For the same reason, Pride can often be used to beat down the simpler vices. Teachers, in fact, often appeal to a boy's Pride, or, as they call it, his self-respect, to make him behave decently: many a man has overcome cowardice, or lust, or ill-temper by learning to think that they are beneath his dignity—that is, by Pride. The devil laughs. He is perfectly content to see you becoming chaste and brave and self-controlled provided, all the time, he is setting up in you the Dictatorship of Pride—just as he would be quite content to see your chilblains cured if he was allowed, in return, to give you cancer. For Pride is spiritual cancer: it eats up the very possibility of love, or contentment, or even common sense."

After finding that I am not free of its marks (especially after the recent conflicts), I am following a trail to discover its roots.  Still a work in progress, but how truly enlightening as always. I am thankful that CS Lewis is my mentor through his writings.

Trudging ahead to 2014, I do have a few things in mind. I think that the strength of solitude should actually be a result of a prayer life rather than a direct ends to achieve. Obviously, God has been trying to teach my patience throughout 2013, which failed thoroughly! I shall pen that down as well. I want 2014 to be an engineering solution - not that elegant, but workable.

Trudging ahead to 2014: Upheaval!

1. Pray.

This would certainly mean a whole lot of other things. Reading the word, leaning patience, etc.

2. Move!

I think this is a great philosophy of effort. If something can fly, fly it! Jump off cliffs; built wings on the way down. I like to think, but too much thinking does get in my way sometimes. May the effort I put in be to the point of upheaval. My life will change. I vow to be a different, better person by the end of 2014. A person with the same core, but one who puts in immense effort to becoming who God meant me to be.

I hereby surrender 2014 to God. He as always has been faithful to me. If only I would allow Him to work more powerfully in my life. I had a great 31st, and a meaningful 1st amidst the hedonism surrounding us. I put all the angst, hurt, and pride of 2013 behind me and step forward in courage; holding fast to the Reason Why. And I am not alone.