Day 1: Facing the Giants by Pastor Jay Koopman

Yeah, it's not a habit for me to go to this kind of thing. But you know, I don't know why I went I just did. Such deep regret I'd have if I hadn't gone. I will not post certain sensitive things of course, but here's a gist of the thing not as word by word as said by the preacher, but how I understood it.

What is God? If God is the ultimate being of the universe; the uncreated, the exalted, the terrible, then won't we be obliged to lick the dust of His feet? If God is indeed the absolute gold standard of Morality; a being so pure and holy then we would be lucky if He looked at us with anything other than scorn, right? Wrong. To gain perspective, we take a look at some fun facts. In the bible, how did Jesus describe God? He described Him as holy 3 times, but described Him as some other adjective a whooping 202 times. That adjective was 'father'. To put this in context we must know first that Jesus was here to set an example of a perfect relationship with God, one thing we should emulate. So, no, Jesus did not deny that God was the holy, jealous, and 'terrible' God. But there was more emphasis on God with the role of a father figure, wasn't there?

We're talking about a perfect father here. One that wants a relationship with his children, cares for them, and forgives them for their imperfections. So, generally, if you want to do something for this perfect dad, you'd do it out of love won't you? If you want to follow his edicts, you'd try and try again, and it would mean nothing because you did it out of love won't it? You'd also strive to be holy won't you?

We do need to be holy, but this is the wiser way rather than 'keeping tabs' on every single nuance of morality (ouch with all that nitty gritty).

So, first conclusion,

1. God is our father, and we strive to fulfill His edicts because we love Him and He first loved us.

"Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father" John 14:9

Now, let's look into the Prodigal Son. Both sons are Prodigal sons. There difference here is that one had a lot of self-condemnation because he wasn't exactly the perfect son; the other had a lavished sense of self-entitlement because man - he was The perfect son, or was he? Let's take a look at the jerk first.

Jerk tells dad that he wants his inheritance. Does this indicate that times have changed? I mean, nowadays you do that to LOSE your inheritance. I don't think it was any different last time. Amazingly, dad grants him his wish. Elsewhere, you'd get five-fold ministry (is that what Pastor Jay said?). Jerk then leaves family, regrets, and comes back in a melodramatic heap. Acceptance back into the family was the last thing he expects. The best bet, is to be as a servant of the family and nothing more. He prepares a speech. Must have spent some time rehearsing it. But the Father, doesn't do that. He welcomes him with a ferocity. Slaughters the fat calf, drapes over him the best robe, gives him sandals, ring. Did he even hear his 'O Woe to me' speach? And oh, other son is outraged. He worked 'like a slave' for the family and what? He digs no calf? This guy served the family loyally more than the amount of years that the other guy was disloyal. The father pleads, and begs him to understand,

So what were their faults? (translation: how were they similar to us =))

One was extremely shameful that he had strayed away and was nowhere near the standards of being a father's son. The other, thought that hey, I've tried so hard, and I definitely deserve a special place with my father. And both happen to be wrong. And both are like most of us.

The Father doesn't flee when we are wrong, and we're not just sons of the Father when we're right. To understand this we have to ask the question: What makes us righteous? By now the obvious answer would be: the Father makes us righteous. We are sons of the Father, you know, just because.We are His children. He comes in peace. Robe. Ring. Sandals.

On another note, the oldest son was like 'a slave' in his own words. He wasn't doing things out of love and care but rather out of 'duty'. Like a morality calculus machine. He also wasn't so 'cured' as he thought it was. He thought doing good works did it. So he kept at it and it made him feel good but deep inside something was still not right.

It's getting quite draggy writing about this right now, but man it is awesome. Another thing, would be on how we must hate the sin and not the sinner (which ironically also points to not being too harsh on ourselves). I have always asked why. Through Pastor Jay's experience (and I say Pastor Jay because it may be not entirely biblical, but nevertheless wise perception), sometimes people who act in less tolerable ways are simply hurt. The sharing is personal so of course it can't be public, never mind the remoteness of my blog. He also inferred a reason the younger son left. Perhaps it was because he couldn't live up to expectations of being like the older brother and felt that he didn't deserve to be family.

God just wants a relationship. Like Father and Child. Beautiful, isn't it? When we pray in our austere, office-formal prayers God's probably like: what? Whatcha doing?

So this, is day 1. I can't believe I went to all 4 days. What's gotten into me? The Holy Spirit, Amen? I'll try to post the rest like this one so at least those who didn't go can read something. Also, I'm doing some research into the emo subculture. Seems to be a worrying trendy trend....

The 7 stakes. (UPDATED 2012)

This new post is nothing really new. But it makes things a lot neater, and it is a follow up on the progress of the 7 stakes.

Future Stakes and Steps


## I cannot believe how much time has passed since I set up these goals. Now I shall observe and reflect on them.


1. Investment
- As said, I plan to see what index investing has, and hopefully with that little understanding, join the investment game.
## This never happened =D

2. FYP finale
Slow is the movement. My partner has taken upon himself to do the programming part. I shall focus on hardware then, specifically the energy monitoring device. At least there's a direction. There are more cons though, such as the pace at which we're moving.
## This was a failure. Whatever effort done at this stage was blown up (literally). It was a tough and stressful period. But you know what, there was divine intervention. That was the only way that could have turned this project into a success.

3. Tough professor
He's actually quite interesting. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I say the truth and nothing but the truth.
## After all those scary stories. He actually supported us in our fyp presentation. I actually scored pretty high in his subject. All is well. All is well.

4. Internship
Intel is not looking like an option. At least not as certain. Company not hunting me anymore. It's not like I'm going to whine about how it's all JPA's fault and my dreams are shattered and what not (had gleefully wanted to work at Nasa anyway ^^). I'm keeping other options open. I just need a job for three months. If I'm actually of any good success will chase after me and not the other way. Besides, God has it all figured out. I just have to prepare myself.
## And how did I end up enjoying the company's atmosphere everyday as I'm writing this? God is amazing? Can I say that again?

5. Quiet time and alone time
Why is this failing? I think it's because of irresponsibility. This doesn't seem as serious to me as it really is because it is not tangible.
## I shall have to ask that question again.


6. Being worthy. Being thankful.
So the 6th's stake is modified. I think that these two are like Messi and Xavi =D. It will be what I meditate upon for three months, starting from now. Every day, every hour, every second.

To think about it, I am doing a great injustice of not being thankful enough. What are the things that make it extremely hard to be thankful? Mostly notably relationship scars (for those my age). "Oh, I have these scars and I'll never learn to love again." Why? Girl is too materialistic. Guy cheats. Or, broken families. Divorces. Major disagreements between family members. Deaths. Recently, a very good friend of mine lost a father. Or, it can be just the same old drama queen who frets on stage about how life is and that no one is perfect for him or her, and he or she is sooo perfect oh yeahh (but then again I don't think this last part is in the script; my bad).

And I've discovered that I've got none of those. None. I'm fortunate to be from a good, stable family that is grounded more or less, never mind the obsession with certain things. I've got an extraordinary gf who puts up with lots of my nonsense and knows how to douse fire with water. I've got most of the wants in life, never mind the needs. That includes a Bayern München jersey!

I'm not worthy of all these. I shall now try to live up to them.

## This is positive. I am thankful. But guilt comes with it. God is doing all the heavy duty scenes in my life alone. I'm just a spectator. This cannot go on; I must honour my part.

7. Follow up.
Just to reflect on how weak this area is.
1. Braces. # Gone case
2. Piano. # Gone case. But it seems I am destined to play piano for church. God has chosen the weakest gift I have to glorify Him. As I may not boast of it.
3. Chores. # No comment
4. 8-10 Books lying around. # Developed a bit more discipline to read them.
5. Scouts # Gone case
6. Badminton # Gone case
7. Vedic math # Gone case
8. Choir # This was successful for a while, and the lesson bore fruit, unlike piano
9.FYP research # Major success

This is a weakness that has to be overcome little by little, day by day.

As of Now, this present eon

I do not frequently update a blog, because I have not explored thoroughly its concept. Carelessly speaking, it is merely an online diary, if not a more public one. Dangerously, I have to ask myself why I'm fine with such little concern for privacy. A diary is supposed to be a very private, personal space. Why would I want anything other than that? But I say that this personal space is fairly private. It is known by just a few souls, who don't really blog anymore: and even if they did, these few I could trust. I may also comfort myself in declaring that I have nothing to hide; or admit that I just do not possess the stupidity necessary to post something out of bounds. Although now, part of me is disappointed. I am not about to take back anything, but you cannot know for sure sometimes. I may be willing to temporarily knock 50 points off my IQ scale just for the excitement of it.

Now, I'm on holiday. I've just finished my exams. My exam only had one subject. So it's called a winter semester. I'm still traumatized as to why they called it that. That was brilliant. 8 sentences without commas or anything including 'that was brilliant' and '8 sentences without commas or anything including 'that was brilliant' and '8 sentences without commas or anything including 'that was brilliant' and '8 sentences without commas or anything including 'that was brilliant' and '8 sentences without commas or anything including 'that was brilliant' and '8 sentences without commas or anything including 'that was brilliant' and ARRGGGGH I just don't know how to end that sentence! Alternatively I could have just used '8 sentences without commas or anything including 'that was brilliant' and this sentence' without ending up in a freak vortex.

Now, I am reflecting about what life has been to me.

Main Highlights (Like in football)
1. FYP
I have been through the first phase of the much feared FYP; something that every engineering student has to go through. I have thrived when I thought failure to be more imminent. That is a positive sign and is something to keep up.

2. Intel comes knocking
This came as a surprise when I was pressured by both the university and my friends at Intel to take up the offer. Believe me, I tried.Who won't? It's the equivalent of Google/Microsoft hunting you. There was a hurdle, one I could not clear. In the context of this offer, I had to take a 1 year academic break and go for training. This clashed with the policies of my patron scholarship body. I tried to coax them to let me go. I tried. Therefore, I am not too disappointed.

3. Debate ceases
This was one of the tougher decisions, and had perhaps, strained some relationships. I ceased all participation in debate tournaments.

Future Stakes and Steps
1. Investment
Engineers are going to be poor people. A starter 3k per month is not enough for you to survive. For some it goes down to 1.8k. Safe investing will be a good complement. Putting it in the bank will not save its time value, so might as well do something useful.
--------

There has not been a lot of action into this. However, I plan to join an investment game next month. To do so I shall read up on index investing.

2. FYP finale
People most fear this. In our project, we have quite a few things to figure out as well. But I will not give in to mindless fear. It makes me dread the project. I'm positive I can find a way out: there always is. I promise that the process of creating solutions won't be filled with dread. It will be about working intelligently around the clock, with fully rested time-outs if need be. Persistence with minimal wear and tear. It all starts next week after a camp coming up in two days; where I will rest fully and ready myself.
------
Moving too slowly.

3. Tough professor
He will be teaching Photonics and Fibreoptics. He thinks very highly of himself because he hails from Oxford and holds many credentials. You are not allowed to ask questions. You will be scolded and promptly told that everything is in the textbook and the lectures. Do not question or it may result in a shouting match. I shall deal with him tactfully; without losing a shred of confidence.
-------
Not so tough after all...

4. Internship
For it to commence early next year, I must apply for it at least in October. I will apply starting next week also. First on the list is naturally Intel. It is a good stepping stone for further things and I won't mind the company being where I land my first job.
-------
Intel is not looking like an option. At least not a certain one like the last time. I'm keeping other options open. I just need a job for three months.

5. Quiet time and alone time
This is the worst failure for now, but it is the most important thing I must have... checks and balances are underway.
----
This is failing flat on it's face.


6. Be worthy. This is a new objective. I must manage my temperament and and my cynicism carefully. There are wonderful people around me who bear no ill intentions but I do have the frequent outburst. Yesterday, Charmaine gave me a note on how one should pray with a thankful heart. I think this brings a lot of meaning to how one's attitude should be in pretty much every approach. If I'm thankful all the time, I wouldn't hesitate to help anyone in need, neither would I cynically shoot down a well-meaning conversation. Neither would I waste my time. Neither would I procrastinate. I would sleep well, eat well, do well. This is far reaching.

I will never be fully worthy of course. But one must start somewhere.

7. Follow up. This is another new and important objective, and my ultimate weakness. I seldom follow up till the end. Braces. Piano. Chores. Books. This is a weakness that has to be overcome little by little, day by day.


A litany to live by
I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain

Philosophy to live by
I think that it's possible to be so successful, that success chases after you. It's not the law of attraction. It's about being of insanely high value as perceived by whoever you want to be perceived by. Therefore you do not chase 'success'. It doesn't work that way. If you want to be someone, you do not gradually work towards becoming. You become, then set out to work. Mahatma Gandhi was always Mahatma Gandhi before bringing independence to India. Einstein was always Einstein, and well, Hitler was always Hitler. Mia san mia.

The name of the game next round is to strive to compete, not to survive.

Vision

Pale, beaten, heavy lids slowly close
Wasting in the flames
Elapsing into haunting grey
Forever sleep

Thornless blossoming roses
Hateless, fleshless, bloodless
Essence groggily waking
Waking from deep

Distant light summons
Where it leads we rise
Sparkling crests of waters
Crystals as our eyes

Hosts of ashes
Fall making spiraling dances
Never to rise again; never to lit
At dusk; eternally bereaved of chances

Eyes crinkling we smile
Secrets known the final mile
Of who we were
Those who couldn't, wouldn't, fake smiles

Academic semester 2010

Report:

For the first time, and such a crucial time, academic performance stank. Results proved shocking as credits littered my result slip, but were not about to be short-lived. The second semester plunged them into a yet deeper, more profound, mess. The shocker in the first semester should have inspired and motivated me to avoid repeating the failure, but why didn't it?

It may be irresponsible to blame certain factors other than oneself. But that also means applying a hard and fast rule to every circumstance, and hard and fast rules are dangerous. Some have caused inventions to not be invented. At certain times, actually every time, external factors do come into play in the equation of life; do you dare deny that? So, I am going to blame those other factors and also myself.

Because it is irresponsible to blame just oneself. Ok, well - there was a myriad of tournaments in the first semester that required going on holiday in the midst of exams and thus skipping lots of classes. Most notably the back-to-back national tournaments. In the second semester there was what SDC looked toward with a single minded focus, wanting to redeem the state championship. There were also slips such as forgetting when a midterm exam was till it was half and hour away. That was unhealthy for my soul at the time.

Blame is a tricky thing. There is always something or someone else to blame because that something or someone else really ought to be blamed. You can’t just blame you, objectively, because sometimes it’s not just you. But you must blame you to a certain extend. I am about to blame me to a certain extend. Why was I demotivated and extraordinarily relaxed this semester? I think it was because what I was learning was tough, but it was tough by layers. The first layer of tough is easily seen and waded through. But there is a second layer of tough that can only be peeled open by constant hard focus/ramming one’s head on it. It is the awareness and the mastery of this second layer that gets the High Ds. This second layer is elusive like the mixed voice. It requires a prolonged concentration of effort, time, and thought. The second layer is in all problems. I had only discovered the first layer and since it was the only layer apparent, I thought that I could deal with it soon enough only to discover a whole virgin jungle of second layers the night before the exam.

Enough of difficulty layers. It was also about going the extra mile(s). Grades are operated by a mean. My mates and others have been mastering the second layer of difficulty as well as going thousands of extra miles (over doing minute assignments, often making them look like part of a thesis). If I simply did what was required of me, would I be even considered to be among the norm?

It is now clear cut as to why year 3 was an utter failure.

Future. Mastering the second layer and going extra miles are going to be the fundamental direction of the future. This year there is also new found admiration for the likes of football players and teams. Messi for his flair. But flair comes after everything. Only then it counts.
Fundamental train of thought was supposed to be: expand -> examine on a large scale -> differentiate on a large scale -> examine on a small scale -> differentiate on a small scale.

That is down to the details. The target on the bigger picture in the future would be: master second layer master -> pump extra miles -> flair

This is a layered strategy. Above those two layers there should be a fundamental principle one rests upon. I think that successful people also have spirit, that of a winner's. As how the team of Sailesh and I operated in the state championship when all was thought to be lost, and how we held the composure of that operation when all was won. Probably the one barcelona had when defeating real madrid. Or in utopia, how Brute Force/ Rage of Absalom operated.

There is another observation in looking at the best against the brilliant. Most of the time what separates them is not talent, or skill (they are of course, pre-requisites). At that level, those attributes are more or less very even. What separates them at that level is philosophy, focus on each challenge (Brute Force), flair and brilliance (Barca) to perceive and take advantage of even a nook of a chance, retaining solid composure under the barrage of what happens around them, and deriving skillful maneuvers in/from an awkward position.