Of friendship and feignship

Life took a recent turn at the wedding, I am a married man now. My view of the world has changed with time, hopefully for the better.

But there have been a few pitfalls in my worldview especially when it comes to friendship. Right up to the wedding. I try to avoid any grudges - as they are not useful in life and take up unnecessary energy. But I've realized that some people had grudges against me that I scarcely knew about.

One or two people did not respond to my wedding invitation. These were not strangers whom I have not been in contact for years, but ones whom I considered closer than even my university coursemates. I reached out via all forms of communication to them. One of them responded eventually, stating he was out of in the country. He was seen later drinking with guests from my wedding dinner - right after the dinner.

He later Facebooked me asking about my wedding, future plans, if I had bought a house, how was my job etc. I had no qualms giving him what he wanted as the pictures of him with the wedding guests had not reached me then. After getting the information he needed, he promptly ended the conversation.

It's not a problem if people can't make it for the wedding. I haven't been too diligent myself in  attending weddings and my very own bestman skipped the 2nd phase of my wedding to spend time with grandma - which was understandable. Yes, I am getting married and it's a big day for me, but I know that people have a life and priorities too.

I held no grudges against this person. We hustled together under similar circumstances and wished for each others' happiness. Or so I thought until someone more perceptive repeatedly pointed out that it was no accident that he was shying away from (in high school drama terms - boycotting) me. I also noticed the same odd behaviour from people close to him from the same social circle. I rejected this for months because they were older than me and found it hard to believe that anyone in my circle would behave that way. They were from my university days. We kept in contact but were so long out of the type of contact that could give way to friction.

There are many flaws in my personality especially when it comes to social interaction. But it's tough for me to evaluate if I'm not told. Tell me that I'm a horrible conversationalist because I tend to stick to topics that I value instead of others and I can do something about it. Well, there is no obligation for anyone to offer feedback and it's their right to walk away.  But I wonder which of it was worth the acrobatics to lie about being out of the country, come back and glean information on how I was doing, and covertly poison other members of my social circle. Why had he even bothered to check on me after the wedding? In hindsight, it was probably only to know the level of success I was at and find possible material to gloat over.

A reflection for self improvement is always better than a critique of others. So I will use this experience to be better. A key takeaway after this discovery is that we are often not who we think we are to people.

My best friend has been talking about what constitutes the attainment of real knowledge. After much discussion, what I've gleaned is that knowledge is only attained if our reptilian minds have got it (I'm sorry if he thinks I've slaughtered this part but that's how I see it).

There is the very rational part of us, the very conscious part that is who we think 'we' are. You open your eyes and thoughts flow into your mind - and that's the very surface of who you are - your conscious mind. Your immediate inner voice?

But that conscious part of us is not often very well projected to the world around us. Rather, there is a chemical part that very much filters the inner voice into our actual behaviour and decisions. Some call it emotion. Some call it trauma. So before a thought becomes action, it goes through a chemical obstacle course.

For example, I have issues of anger. I'm very conscious of the need to not display anger unnecessarily. But push a certain set of buttons and there you have it, a nuclear explosion. Do I want it? No. Do I think it's right? No. Then why do I do it? It's as if "I" am overridden by my reptilian brain. This is why it takes something other than intelligence and education to become a better person.

The reptile is who people see and are affected by. Not the self-righteous inner voice that casts me as the protagonist of my story.

It's no different than sports, public speaking, or singing. You think what you're doing is right but others see it differently. Ever recorded yourself on camera and experienced the horror of seeing your actual attempts at playing a game or singing?

It's even easier to understand it if it's not about you (case in point). Everyone playing a sport has seen a player with poor technique. They are oblivious to the fact that whatever they're doing - it looks awkward and unsightly. And they're costing you precious points. I am that player, in a social sense.

There is also a chance that people are doing this due to jealousy. But my current job is crazy unglamorous so that's a long shot. I mean, if they are, they must have set some pretty low standards.

My doors are always open to friends, old and new. People are important and I make new friends in every town I land in. But my doors are open as well to those who choose to walk out on their own accord.

Animal Farm

So it has come to this. Desperation. Loneliness. Call it whatever you want. Something always gets me writing.

Every point in life has a theme, a season, and a character. 2016 was the season of the jungle. Animals fighting in a world with limited resources. The war in the jungle continued in 2017, this time without grandpa. Grandpa had casually disappeared from the folds of time and space.

People step over each other to feed their families. And then strangely, some of us who are better off still face existential crises. One of the great riddles of our generation.

But I'm not really here to discuss that (although there is a high chance that I am one of those ungrateful gits). This account of my life will be all over the place and you will be at the mercy of my rambling. This is a memoir - of action.

Memoirs sound like passive memories to be stowed away. But they are fire to me. They give me the strength to say 'enough is enough!', gather my thoughts, and try to move on.

Suddenly, I am about to get married. 

I too wonder how it all came to this. Am I ready? No. I will process this some other day. What's certain is that I am still the boy who wants to play computer games all night and catch frogs in the morning. Or the kid who would love reading good books every now and then, even as those opportunities now rarely come by.

It really isn't that scary though. Past her layers of intellect and maturity, my fiancee is simply a child ever curious about the world and people around her. So having found the most suitable partner to stare and gape at the universe with; I will persist on the collision course for marriage. Besides, who would ever be ready for one of the greatest human endeavours? Being an astronaut is probably easier, so either I don't get married, or I learn on the job.

I struggled in 2014-2015 and this was curated the 2016 post (delicate little snowflake, eh?). It didn't detail how I was without a job for 1 and a half years due to corneal erosion - which is the context of this post. I might even have been depressed, but I did get the help of the best psychologist I know. Physical and mental health aside, there was the money problem.

I was broke following unemployment and the payments I had to make for my car. 

The then girlfriend (now fiancee) was looking at marriage on the horizon while I had nothing to offer. As a student, she even had to foot some of my expenses with meager part time wages.

Submitting over 50 applications with not a single result was depressing. Once upon a time, I could choose the job; and now it had to choose me. Something happened and I finally passed an interview. So I went into my new career stumbling.

2 years later, now, thank heavens I did well. Nothing glamorous, just a routine job that helped me regain my financial footing. I am grateful for the money, but I do have a bit of contempt for its swindling nature. But that does not compare to the dejection coming from no longer being set to work on the bigger questions of the universe.

It also didn't quite match up to a wedding fund (have you seen what it takes to pay for a wedding nowadays?). But I had seen this shortfall exactly 2 years ago and prepared for it.

So I was never working only at my new job. In my desperation, I ventured into things that would allow me to afford a wedding. 

2 years. Everything was for the marriage. Every thought, every move, was focused on fund raising. Many of my experiences will never come to light; I will never divulge them. It's enough to tell of how I roamed the streets in the middle of the night with my Uber service. The contents of my mind are a different matter. Just to be absolutely clear, I did everything legally. Uber was illegal on the outset if you insist, but it was legalized eventually.

It was surreal when I finally transferred the entirety of the wedding budget into my bank account. I even managed to nearly double the initial plan (which was miscalculated). There: cold, hard cash. I made it and still barely believe it. For the first time in my life, I had to make mistakes that really hurt in order to learn valuable lessons. There were some regrets too (despite succeeding, I could've ended up with triple the amount and that gnaws away at me sometimes). Many restless nights were spent awake in cold sweat.

I will always remember my first major loss. I drove out onto the streets in the middle of the night, hysterical and having felt suffocated by my small room. Like a loon, I sat in alone in a coffee shop to process what had happened between sips. Now, I must have the daily cup of coffee or I might fly into a rage. My soup of the day. I do not care for fancy brews; it must of the lowly coffee shop variant. There are other events I will never, in my life time, speak about. It was a means to an end. The important thing is I managed to emerge on the other side. It's all about the bottom-line, is it not?

It's now the time to pick up the pieces in certain areas of my life. Like pieces of toenails. For 2 years, my toes kept bleeding out in my worn badminton shoes. They became became mash potatoes every few times a month. The pain was real alright, but after travelling to my brain it never spurred any thoughtful action. Toenail after toenail was replaced. Until a week ago, when I strolled into a shop and bought a new pair of shoes without any thought.

I walked in, chose a pair on display that fit, and paid. My toes aren't bleeding ever since that 5 minute conjecture. Should I have done this 2 years ago? Oh, YES CERTAINLY, my poor toes! I don't understand it either, I can only say I was that focused on the wedding. Badminton used to be my life. At one stage, I stopped altogether. There was no reason to play anymore.

Exhausted and still plodding through the forest, I succeeded in doing what I set out to do in 2016-2017. I was watered down as a person. No more humanitarian ideals. No more silly dreams. I was demoted on Maslow's damning hierarchy with aspirations that were inherently material.

I was triumphant simply because I grew to be more savage then the other animals competing for the same resources.

So that's all the bottom line was...empty in a philosophical sense. Maybe I thought I was morally superior. As a human being, I was a sentient, logical, conscientious creature. Until I'm not.

I know that humans can never make decisions without emotions clouding their judgment. I know how some suffer from the lack of emotions (more like zero. It's an actual medical condition). Given the choice of choosing between 2 identical options, like 2 apples, people like that will be forever caught in a dilemma.

But I'm not here to say that we aren't logical sometimes, and then comfort myself by saying it's okay to be human. Growth only comes from a place of discomfort. I'm saying we aren't even in control of ourselves half the time, and we overestimate how much our baggage controls us. I heard something along these lines from a Dr. Jordan Peterson. He did not originate the idea, but listening to him made me realize how even the little control I thought I had on a conscious level was overestimated.

Both traumatic and non-traumatic experiences have a greater hold on me than I had imagined. It might not be bad 'trauma'. It might even have felt good. Spoil a child when it grows up, and it will think it's entitled to the universe. Feels good at first. Then one day, the child will learn the hard way and it will be as though reality crumbles before its very eyes.

Perhaps not for you. You might believe in God, and that you are a new creation and have overcome the world. Good on you. You might believe in nothing, and what I'm saying comes across as the rambling of a weak mind. Again, well done for being the strong person that you are.

I've no qualms saying I'm weak. Many primitive drives control me. When I'm tired I get angry. In the dead of night, I feel alone. I feel alone as I wander the shopping malls everyday gathering supplies like a hunter-gatherer would. I lash out and explode at the very people I hold dear (this one personally has me mind blown).

Yet, some people consider me an intellectual. I discuss lofty things. The limits of tripartite theory in epistemology. The higher dimensions of the cosmos.

Even the basis of naming this blog is thought out. I changed it after receiving thousands of unsolicited views. It's based on the Dark Forest Theory by Liu Cixin, one of China's most prolific science fiction authors. Have you ever wondered why we are the only ones in this seemingly infinite universe?

Liu Cixin claims that it is because civilizations are all frightened, vicious animals in a dark forest that is the cosmos. 

Civilization's primary aim is to survive. If they manage to intercept communications from another civilization, a dynamic 'chain of suspicion' happens. Two civilizations who come in contact via deep space signals cannot know for sure the intent of the other due to the chasm of communication distance. A guessing game plays out and mutual suspicion only grows deeper and more convoluted. Therefore, the only rational choice is to send a star destroying projectile as the 2nd formal greeting. It's an efficient way of acting in a forest of millions of civilizations that - even if benevolent, are competitors for resources in the same galaxy.

So no one ever tries or dares to make contact.

By now you probably know that I think we are in this 'forest' at a smaller scale here on earth. We are all separated by little chasms of communication distance.

Much of our grandiose musings are but the revelries of a vicious animal. What about post-modernist society and other sorts of sophisticated sounding drivel? I don't think that means we're an intelligent species at all. Philosopher Dr. William Lane Craig enforces this by asking: How many of us can even differentiate the contents of rat poison and medicine?

We know of the Dunning-Kruger effect, where people of low ability overestimate themselves because of their inability to perceive their own flaws. The less we are aware of the infinite nature of knowledge, the higher we hold ourselves in our own eyes.

Our knowledge only exists in little pockets strewn across infinity and yet we strut about everyday. So conscious of our greatness while looking down on those who are in our opinion, less great. Because we are monkeys and not frogs?

And we are into psychobabble like 'get rid of the toxic people in your life' or 'be yourself'. Others do not matter. Who are these toxic people? The ones who disagree with us? The ones who refuse to tolerate our toxicity? The ones who tell us the truth about ourselves? If they are indeed wrong, does it make us right? Who are we for that matter? Be yourself, the half-animal?

Raving dreams made me forget my place in the forest. Being in a garage doesn't not make you a car, but the forest sneakily morphs you into its image. Am I cheated by the existence of my own cognitive abilities?

If so, I must understand that critical thinking and irrational actions have never been mutually exclusive. I am a being capable of higher thought trapped in an animal; I am an animal trapped in a being capable of higher thought.

Then, how many events until the great reckoning? How many times until I say 'enough is enough' to self-destructive tendencies? I am my own saboteur. I upend my own relationships and my own career.

For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do - this I keep on doing, laments Paul in Romans 7:19.

My lack of control has always caused collateral damage to people who deserve it the least - the immediate people around me. For that they have the right to leave me, ostracize me, or shun me to the end of time. As long as they are able to heal.

But I too, must leave this path. I have been the villain of my own story for a long time now. At the movies, I am unable to understand the psychological makeup of heros, while I identify mostly with villains.

I'm tempted to say I do not care for my own destruction. But that would be false because as a member of the forest, I am inherently selfish. More disconcertingly, I'd be a burden because others DO care about me.

I will not go into self-pitying tirade of saying 'no one cares'. That is a pathogenic narrative rampant on social media and it is simply not true. And if I can't see the sense in preserving myself, how can I actually care about preserving others?

The dark forest does and does not exist. 

So I will push away the animal with the same fervour I had with pursuing marriage. There was no try with the wedding. Either I had the money or I didn't. It might all be futile in the end, but my coordinates in the dark forest shall be brightly lit, even if for a moment.

A Season of Brokenness

Here I am after that fateful decision to leave Penang. 2015 broke many, many things. My confidence is in shambles, my hopes shattered. I do not know what’s left of my faith. This is a long piece and I am unsure of the best way to signpost, but it's mainly for my own closure so I'm not going to try that hard.

Perhaps the biggest failure of my life

My idealism caught on pretty quickly at the year’s start. Like any young researcher I was bright-eyed and energetic, ready to change the world. I forsook half my pay to get on board. I could obtain a research site within a week of being on the project, and enthusiastically offered to leverage my network for the team. There was a minor hitch - my supervisor preferred one line of communication. I obliged. Hierarchy was needed in some situations. But it would be 9 months before an actual site is obtained. I discovered that my contact, despite being highly influential in the organization we chose to work with, did not receive as much as a nudge. It was a very long 9 months.

Another douse of reality happened when my energetic rush was kept in check by a supervisor. I was told to relax and not move too fast. I relented, only to be hammered mercilessly in a meeting with a higher up for not doing enough. I was confused then. Too much or too little? The next few months consisted of pushes and pulls. There were as many as 4 research directions in a month. Protests were met with humiliating remarks. Could I really accumulate enough technical depth after 3 days of reading into Neural Networks (while not being a computer scientist)? I was ousted from meetings, threatened and patronized. There was some petty language stuff going on too. I could speak conversational Mandarin, but technical terms eluded me. The group seemed eager to take full advantage of this. Mandarin became the mode of communication (in an Australian campus).  

A couple of things occurred to me at this point. I happen to belong to a generation where each day, we are reminded of how we are the worst: spoilt, entitled, and weak. So my first step was to take full accountability. I rationalized that I DID have moments that lacked initiative. Perhaps I was being oversensitive. The world owes me nothing, and treats everybody like crap anyway. Take it or lose the roof over your head (and think of some grandfather story as a motivator: When I was your age, I didn’t have…). I decided to take things in stride - carve out the personal attacks and glean any truths I could find. For a while, this mental framework seemed to hold.  

Until 14 months later. Lofty philosophical contraptions did not shield my psyche against the persistent salvos of vitriol. It did not manufacture the mental vaccine I thought it would. I faced mental exhaustion. At one time, I even forgot what energy was. Simple sentences in rudimentary journal articles started to make no sense. As if to compound things, corneal erosion set in. I now have to undergo long term treatment. It was also at this time when the lead supervisor decided to unfold his grand scheme, which unveiled why researchers were forbidden to work together all this time. Awfully pleased with himself, he revealed that he had engineered a winner takes all scenario. What we were working on was contrived such that the success of one would render the rest irrelevant. Play and win at his little game, and we will graduate. Lose, and the consequences are ours to bear. What happens if I lose after 4 years?

   

It was really Cedric, who finally tipped the scales and convinced me this was an outlier. This was a sham. He convinced me that quitting won’t make me a spoilt and delicate member of Generation Y. Somehow, we almost make it a point to forget each other’s birthdays each year, but don’t we always save each other in the things that matter?

But there are still insights

I suppose there’s no harm in looking for a bright spot. I learned some things I did not know about myself. Like how bad I was at accepting failure, or how broad my definition of failure was. Given the circumstances, it was the wrong time, wrong place, wrong supervisor. Perhaps I can't fully be blamed. But why is it so hard a lesson to learn? Because the job market may disagree with me. Because graduate institutions may use this to judge my capability as a candidate. This tale may be written off as an excuse by every person capable of opening or closing the door to my next step. I must now live with that.

Another thing that shocked me was how much I cleaved to 'success'. Without it I felt I was nothing. Suddenly, in my mind, I am not valued as much to my friends anymore. That is of course presumptuous (or not, depending on who).

Finally, I was arrogant. I never thought much of failure. I had somehow framed my life around success. I can't fail. Of course, that's ridiculous for anyone! But truth be told, I have sailed through life mostly unscathed, and so my expectations were truly insane. In one of the Clone War episodes (I’m sorry, it IS the season), even Yoda took time to figure out he was fighting his own hubris. A new journey begins now.

What now?

That's a very uncomfortable question. Things are not so simple now. 2015 simply broke my heart, and I unwittingly developed negative associations toward engineering and research. I feel like a drastic change is due. But what? Is this feeling biased? I think I should take a sabbatical to recover and be more objective. But how do I recover? The more I apply for jobs, the more lost I seem to be. Hating engineering is fine. But what am I really interested in? What am I meant for?

And so, to my few friends who are reading this: I hope I will have something brighter to post around this time next year. May 2015 be redeemed in 2016.

Roti Tisu getting all soggy; Sinking into mediocrity

So once again Malaysia hoped. Once again I chose to join the thousands, as I always do, in my staunch believe in Malaysia despite all odds. I resign that this sort of belief is irrational; it involves denying the statistician within and embracing the pride of Malaysian badminton simply for being Malaysian. This time it meant even more. Malaysians have little left to be proud of and little left to be united. Each day, our nation's leaders express pathological hatred for you and I simply because we are ethnically different. I wonder where our leaders fall on the bell curve as human beings. I have not met droves of people in my life, but out of the thousands even the most cruel cannot harbor that much hatred for that long with that much irrationality. Ever wondered about what stuff beautiful, great people are made of? Well, I really wonder what stuff our leaders are made of; dark, human vessels so resilient of harboring bitterness for decades, bearing no remorse for murder, lusting for the taste of genocide. How is one even capable of that? Sociopaths should only make up a very little part of the population (1-4%). It makes me shudder when such phenomenon has disproportionate representation in the bench governing you and I. It also saddens me that recently, my own ethnic group has become increasingly racist, perhaps as a reaction toward the oppression suffered to them over the decades. They are right where the government needs them in order to divide and rule.  

Being in the Thomas Cup finals was an escape from this madness. Once again, I told skeptics that I have no doubt that on court today, we will perform (although rather sneakily, the statistician in me allowed 1 point to Japan). Once again, I said Malaysia can, although to be honest I don't recall a time when it could. Yet like a fool, I have doggedly stood by one side, one roti tisu, in one mamak stall every single time (okay, there were times that I live streamed...). Sure, I knew it was a 'bonus' we were in the finals. I knew what our players brought to the table and expected even clearing the group stage to be nerve-wrecking. But I was heartbroken all the same when we lost. It was like the last splutter of an old dog. No, at 27, Liew Daren is not the next Lee Chong Wei. Neither is Wei Feng at 26, Thien How at 27. Only V Shem and Wee Kiong are 24 year olds. Such is the bane of hoping. Hope, was after all the last item let out of the Pandoras Box, and the most twisted of all; for it was a false prophet.

I fully concede that the team did what it could on court and deserved all credit for that, but this match was lost off court. So I am going to be the balance among the droves of delightful commendations and commentary by friends and family alike. The dark side of the force. The Yang of your Ying. Because in another timeline where Koo Kien Kiet had not let past glories, drinking, smoking, and women get to him, the line up could have involved the lethal TBH/KKK. This is the pair that showed the world how double motion/trick shots were tactically possible in world class mens doubles. Even if it was against the fearsome Fu HaiFeng and Cai Yun. In another timeline, had Daren not let winning the French Open get to him (making him arrogant and outright disobedient to coaches in training sessions), he would not be 'playing the game of his life' against Takuma Ueda. This was not a match between an underdog World no.66 against World no.25. No. In fact, Wei Feng was always the underdog to Daren, and Daren consistently topped him in the rankings, even being no.12 for a time - but always under 20. BAM's goal this year was for them both to break into the top 10. And why not? No man has taken a set off Lin Dan in his first encounter. And no Malaysian has beaten Lee Chong Wei for some time now. Although he was eventually ousted unceremoniously, Daren did exactly that to upset the giant 21-17 with Super Dan admitting "I was in all sorts of trouble".  Daren routed Chong Wei 23-21, 21-14 in last year's DJarum Cup fair and square to the delight of Mr. Rashid Sidek. Get this, Malaysia has never lacked talent. But do you see what the difference is between Chong Wei and the rest? I quote Misbun - "He is a popular figure now, there is money, big cars and other distractions, including attention from girls. But what does Chong Wei do? He trains". So there, no excuse. Not youngster, not underdog. 

With that, I became a bit less Malaysian and left poor roti tisu in its wake, setting off to watch X-men in a brightly lit, shopping mall with a nice multi-storey carpark with a beautiful girl.

2014. Upheaval!

Looking back at 2013, I even see a post where I came up with some resolutions. But what have I actually attempted in 2013? I do not view success as having fulfilled a resolution. That would be unfair as some are life long learning quests. Having attempted them would suffice in my books - how many actually walk the talk on big new year resolutions anyway?

2013 Resolutions

1. I will find strength in solitude

This is a life long process, but I did not progress too well in 2013. It was just hustling and bustling like a busy bee most of the way.

2. I will take action instead of mull over them

There is a reason why engineering is different when compared to theoretical physics. Real life constraints like time or ROI plague the discipline. Who ever really dreams up a perfect, surefire solution before being doomed to failure? Surely I am not implying that silly risks should be taken. But comparing the fruit of making a perfect calculus before going ahead vs scrambling off with a less elegant but swiftly functional solution...I prefer the latter. One is never fully prepared. If you hadn't known, Rommel aka the 'Desert Fox' is a childhood hero of mine. What I keenly admire about him is that the guy strikes when both him and the enemy are unprepared.

3. I will stop treating errands as burdens leading to procrastination

Chugging off slow and buggy, I no longer feared the discomfort of errands by the year's end. I've grown up in this area. Quite yay, really.

4. I will negate the delay between actions

I have yet to absolutely commit to this effort, I still 'laze' around. It is staying for 2014.

2013 resolutions were very practical ones. They certainly did mold my character, but as quite the after effect. Along the way, I was forced to work on a few other things.

1. Hard work

I have never worked quite this hard in my life. Felt that I was doing myself a disservice by not extending to the best of my capabilities. I improved this year, but it wasn't significant. I expect this change to be a huge upheaval in 2014.

2. Anger/ego/prejudice/pride management. Whatever name it is ascribed, there is something aggressive and rabid in me.

To give this context, I will revise an insightful excerpt by C.S. Lewis on Pride that Cedric shared with me centuries ago (yes, I will never forget).

First, the proposal of pride being the 'greatest sin':
"According to Christian teachers, the essential vice, the utmost evil, is Pride. Unchastity, anger, greed, drunkenness, and all that, are mere flea bites in comparison: it was through Pride that the devil became the devil: Pride leads to every other vice: it is the complete anti-God state of mind. "

The premise that pride competes with itself:
"I pointed out a moment ago that the more pride one had, the more one disliked pride in others. In fact, if you want to find out how proud you are the easiest way is to ask yourself, "How much do I dislike it when other people snub me, or refuse to take any notice of me, or shove their oar in, or patronise me, or show off?" The point it that each person's pride is in competition with every one else's pride. It is because I wanted to be the big noise at the party that I am so annoyed at someone else being the big noise. Two of a trade never agree. Now what you want to get clear is that Pride is essentially competitive—is competitive by its very nature—while the other vices are competitive only, so to speak, by accident."

The premise that pride is only satiated by comparison:
"Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man. We say that people are proud of being rich, or clever, or good-looking, but they are not. They are proud of being richer, or cleverer, or better-looking than others. If every one else became equally rich, or clever, or good-looking there would be nothing to be proud about. It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest."

"The sexual impulse may drive two men into competition if they both want the same girl. But that is only by accident; they might just as likely have wanted two different girls. But a proud man will take your girl from you, not because he wants her, but just to prove to himself that he is a better man than you."

Finally, the premise of its insidious nature of beating down other vices:
"For the same reason, Pride can often be used to beat down the simpler vices. Teachers, in fact, often appeal to a boy's Pride, or, as they call it, his self-respect, to make him behave decently: many a man has overcome cowardice, or lust, or ill-temper by learning to think that they are beneath his dignity—that is, by Pride. The devil laughs. He is perfectly content to see you becoming chaste and brave and self-controlled provided, all the time, he is setting up in you the Dictatorship of Pride—just as he would be quite content to see your chilblains cured if he was allowed, in return, to give you cancer. For Pride is spiritual cancer: it eats up the very possibility of love, or contentment, or even common sense."

After finding that I am not free of its marks (especially after the recent conflicts), I am following a trail to discover its roots.  Still a work in progress, but how truly enlightening as always. I am thankful that CS Lewis is my mentor through his writings.

Trudging ahead to 2014, I do have a few things in mind. I think that the strength of solitude should actually be a result of a prayer life rather than a direct ends to achieve. Obviously, God has been trying to teach my patience throughout 2013, which failed thoroughly! I shall pen that down as well. I want 2014 to be an engineering solution - not that elegant, but workable.

Trudging ahead to 2014: Upheaval!

1. Pray.

This would certainly mean a whole lot of other things. Reading the word, leaning patience, etc.

2. Move!

I think this is a great philosophy of effort. If something can fly, fly it! Jump off cliffs; built wings on the way down. I like to think, but too much thinking does get in my way sometimes. May the effort I put in be to the point of upheaval. My life will change. I vow to be a different, better person by the end of 2014. A person with the same core, but one who puts in immense effort to becoming who God meant me to be.

I hereby surrender 2014 to God. He as always has been faithful to me. If only I would allow Him to work more powerfully in my life. I had a great 31st, and a meaningful 1st amidst the hedonism surrounding us. I put all the angst, hurt, and pride of 2013 behind me and step forward in courage; holding fast to the Reason Why. And I am not alone.

What 2013 actually was

It is suggested that the year was nothing short of epic for me. How can I not agree? My sails were hit by turbulence from day one. I gained new experiences, broke a few things, found one. Here's to summing up 2013.

Broken things.

First, there was the breakup. I had thought that a relationship was always supposed to have marriage in mind, and that two people should go through thick and thin together no matter what. I held on to it even when there was little meaning left. The consolation is that we parted ways in good faith, up to this day. There were lessons learned. I learned that resilience was not the answer to everything; some things you must let go. I learned that love and respect remedied any bitter feelings that possibly stemmed from a breakup. 

After the breakup resolutions were made. Among them, the want for travel. And also to stay single for a while, well, definitely for the rest of 2013. Solitude was something I wanted to master.

But something inside my core ruptured. I used to be quick to forgive, and I didn't know how to hold grudges. Later in the year I would discover that putting things behind me has become hard. The cold steel of my arguments is what I work with now. 'Nice and proper' aren't my terms anymore. It could be that I am tired of all the dirt thrown at me and it seems that I am retaliating, not leaving it up to God. Just earlier last year I remember being fine. I remember one of my first encounters of prejudice against Sarawakians. In an inter-church thing (yes, let's go to church), a bright aunty who taught add maths decided to strike a conversation with me. Along the way, to her surprise, I was Sarawakian! Oh golly how could these hoots know English! She then began her quest to figure it all out, dismissing my suggestion that it was a historically common medium for Sarawakians yadayada - my whole social circle knew how to speak English. Finally she had a brainwave! Why of course, I have worked a month here. What a wonderful colleagues I have who care to teach me English! I didn't even so much as offer a snide remark then. Part of me wishes that happened around now, with the new found firebrand in me. 

Change

I had been living in a room not much better than a box with a window that was closed most of the time. The idea was broached by a friend in a random meet up. And suddenly I was living in something that had some semblance to a room. There were people to talk to, a dog to play with, roti canai sessions ... and I cooked. I fried stuff. 

My passion for debate returned. It had been dead right about the time I left college with badminton trudging in. Although it has taken a hiatus since that fiery start, the surge of interest in apologetics and philosophy continues. 

Travel 

2013 has marked the first time I did any long distance driving. There was Ipoh, Kedah, and Cameron. Other destinations include Sunway Lagoon, KL (twice), Hatyai (where I finally got my childhood wish of eating worms, grasshoppers and crickets). Traveling is all about stashing up a repertoire of life experiences. Some though, aren't pleasant. With Hatyai came a tale of untold suffering, where I mistook a cili padi for a juicy, succulent worm in a dark van in the middle of nowhere. It seems that my resolution to travel is fulfilled even without me trying.

Conflict 

I remember being grateful that my life had no big dramas. I even started to doubt the validity of personality clashes. This year though, I had a few. Much of it happened when I was voluntarily giving out; when I felt that the other end was receiving it wrongly. Fully aware that giving does not involve an expectation of repayment, I wasn't expecting any. But I took issue when it was taken for granted. The first such clash was when I was criticized when playing the piano for church. But I guess that happens. Humans have always been masters of criticism and very poor doers. The 2nd clash came when I found some time for breakfast during Sunday School. I was told off for leaving the premises even during a time when I was not functionally needed. The reason being that every Sunday School teacher's 'presence' was important (even when they were sitting around doing nothing), and any lack of it will do considerable harm to morale. I vehemently contested that service can still be effective without ONE Sunday School teacher who was not on duty anyway. Since I am being stretched to serve in the main service as well, I suggested that it also served to energize (breakfast & coffee!) me. It ended in tears for the aunty and bewilderment for me.

The 3rd one was that of being treated like what I term a 'Global Citizen'. I was devoting some part of my personal schedule to training a debate club after being pulled in by my house mate. I didn't know it was part of a trainer's job in ensuring everyone had a good time at the movies. I didn't know I was obliged to be a good moderator in ensuring quality conversation, making sure each 21 year old was actively engaged. Woe is me if someone felt ignored! That I was at fault for not conversing with my back passenger as much as I did my front passenger. That I was at fault for making my passengers walk 20 metres to my car after offering to drive. I'd always imagined that I was devoting some of my own time to them, for free. A debate trainer who drove them from the hostels to dinner, then to the training venue, for supper, then back to their hostels, for free. I didn't know that I was viewed as a paid nanny. This was really a culture shock for me as much of the 15 year olds back home didn't act like that. I vented to Brendan (the other Global - erm, trainer) in frustration at the state of church girls (as that was the common denominator). He theorized that all those years of being entitled to queen's treatment and stepping on the heads of kind church aunties and uncles made the girls very expectant. Queens quite naturally viewed everyone else as subjects. 

The next incident came quite after that. It was no different. I was asked to provide transportation for some youths on a Saturday morning to a rice museum. And so I drove some 150 km through the interstate heat and then 150 km back. I'd imagine that I had at least a right to select which songs to play in my very own vehicle that I am paying for through my nose. That notion remains a figment of my imagination. The youth asked nicely 3 times on whether she could have her choices, so I declined 3 times in clear language backed up by clear rationale (that much I could offer) - I am the driver and the undisputed, unelected, tyrannical despot of my car. Unperturbed by the function of speech and the underlying message of my communique, the youth carried on. She, then proceeded to pout and called mum (I was thinking that there must be a different formula to age in these parts. Divide by 2 perhaps.). As an end resort, she turned up the volume of her phone and blasted Justin Bieber or something through the speakers for much of the way back with no regards to the sick passenger at the back - who was a seeker and a guest of the church. To make the trip bearable, I turned off my selection. Shock and awe, anyone? Nonetheless, her mum had a few justifications. 

I am told that she asked nicely 3 times. But I don't remember 'niceness' as being a currency to agreement, especially when it is done in the pretext of soliciting a favour. I am told that perhaps when there are people in my car, they are my guests and should be treated as such. Just because. You are compelled to wake up on a Saturday morning after a rough week, fill up your tank even with rising fuel prices, drive them safely 150 km to and fro being 110% alert on the road, so they can have fun - and ... they are your guests. I trust my upbringing that when someone is willing to give you a lift; YOU go out of your way to accommodate them. Ah, But, but then...her dad - yeah, her dad may buy into manipulative gooey eyed expressions that I deem ridiculous. Too bad. 'Understand' that her day was less than ideal? Ask me about my day, if I could get much sleep the night before, or for the past week! 

No, it gets better. Well she, is a girl. And girls should be treated with luv. I wanted to slap myself, then slap her, then slap my friend who was with us in attempt to wake us all up from this drunken charade. But there was a newborn around and I didn't want to wake it, because I have luv. Isn't this the very reason her son has such low self esteem? Because males do not deserve the measure of 'luv' females do. Because they have an obligation to put their sisters on pedestals - made up of their heads. Oh, but you must understand...she is only 18. 18? Is 18 the new 9? Can I please go and flip some burgers? 

Wait...Paul...is wanting attention...wrong? (Supply this line with an absolutely hurt, gooey eyed expression with just the right amount of quiver to the voice) Aww. Nah, wanting attention is not wrong. Excuse me while I just bomb somewhere to get some. 

And what's an end to a post without one final, epic, quote:

"But as her mom, I'm not trying to defend her."

Some programming project I had, such a naughty teenager I was

#include "winbgim.h"
#include
#define PAIKIA 3.14159265358979323846
struct BoomBoomBoom
{
int x1, x2, y1, y2;

};

struct dude
{

int x_o;
int y_o;
double JamesBond;
int whatcoloramI;
int fill_whatcoloramI;
int wherewherewhere[6];
};

void Bogeyman(struct BoomBoomBoom PikachuIchooseU[]);

void hihihi(int whatcoloramI, int fillWhatcoloramI, int dog, int dawg[]);

void Frodo(double meowmeow, float JamesBond, int KariAyam[]);

int main()
{
initwindow(640, 480); //open a 640x480 graphics window
outtextxy (20, 40, "Press Cicakman key to quit");
int Xman[]={60,60,130,60};
int weeeeeeeeeee[]={60,60,60,130};
struct BoomBoomBoom pikapika[4];
Bogeyman(pikapika);

struct dude woohoo;
woohoo.whatcoloramI = RED;
woohoo.fill_whatcoloramI = BLUE;
woohoo.wherewherewhere[0] = 30;
woohoo.wherewherewhere[1] = 0;
woohoo.wherewherewhere[2] = -30;
woohoo.wherewherewhere[3] = 10;
woohoo.wherewherewhere[4] = -30;
woohoo.wherewherewhere[5] = -10;
woohoo.x_o = woohoo.y_o = 0;




int Spiderman2 = 320;/*half from the windows*/
int Cicakman2 = 240;
int i = 0;
int i1;
int AlakazamOnline[6];

setcolor(WHITE);
fillpoly(2,Xman);
fillpoly(2,weeeeeeeeeee);
outtextxy(130,60, "0");
outtextxy(60,130, "90");

setfillstyle(1,WHITE);

for (i1=0; i1<6 i1="" p="">{
if (i1 %2 == 0) AlakazamOnline[i1] = woohoo.wherewherewhere[i1] + Spiderman2;
else AlakazamOnline[i1] = woohoo.wherewherewhere[i1] + Cicakman2;
}

while(!kbhit())
{


Frodo(5.0, 0.0, AlakazamOnline);

while(AlakazamOnline[6] > 440 )
{
Frodo(5.0, 90.0, AlakazamOnline);
}



hihihi(YELLOW, LIGHTBLUE, 3, AlakazamOnline);



delay(40);/*wait 40 miliseconds before anything else*/


hihihi(BLACK, BLACK, 3, AlakazamOnline);
delay(40);
}

getch();
closegraph(); /*close graphics window*/
return 0;
}

void Bogeyman(struct BoomBoomBoom PikachuIchooseU[])
{
int i;
PikachuIchooseU[0].x1=PikachuIchooseU[3].x2=100;
PikachuIchooseU[0].y1=PikachuIchooseU[3].y2=100;
PikachuIchooseU[0].x2=PikachuIchooseU[1].x1=540;
PikachuIchooseU[0].y2=PikachuIchooseU[1].y1=100;
PikachuIchooseU[1].x2=PikachuIchooseU[2].x1=540;
PikachuIchooseU[1].y2=PikachuIchooseU[2].y1=380;
PikachuIchooseU[2].x2=PikachuIchooseU[3].x1=100;
PikachuIchooseU[2].y2=PikachuIchooseU[3].y1=380;


setcolor(GREEN);
for(i = 0; i<4 i="" p="">{
line(PikachuIchooseU[i].x1, PikachuIchooseU[i].y1, PikachuIchooseU[i].x2, PikachuIchooseU[i].y2);
}
}

void hihihi(int whatcoloramI, int fillWhatcoloramI, int dog, int dawg[])
{
setcolor(whatcoloramI);
setfillstyle(3, fillWhatcoloramI);
fillpoly(dog,dawg);

}

void Frodo(double meowmeow, float JamesBond, int KariAyam[])
{
double Spiderman;
double Cicakman;
int i;


JamesBond = JamesBond*PAIKIA/180;

Spiderman = meowmeow*cos(JamesBond);
Cicakman = meowmeow*sin(JamesBond);

for (i=0; i<6 i="" p="">{

if (i %2 == 0) KariAyam[i] += Spiderman;
else KariAyam[i] += Cicakman;

}

}